This again is a little spin off blogalog post, i promise i'll get back to the story about how me and graham got together at some point just give me a little time to rant. i also said i'd dedicate this blogpost to Harriet who made up the term Paranoia Party, so here you go!
OKAY, as you can see the title this post is about my favourite thing DUN DUN NA NAAAA (that was meant to be a fanfair it took me awhile to type and i still think it's wrong, oh well) PARANOIA WOOOO!
basically, as we all know tomorrow is new years eve, which means only one thing to every teenager in the country.... party time.
and like i said graham's away so i'll be partying with my friends, no biggy it'll be a laugh. and i thought that would be the end of that. OH NO. OH NO NO NO NO.
so i'm talking to my friend Harriet and we're laughing at graham's drunken plan with his friend to go get wasted on this holiday and go... how do i put this politely.... 'meet' a lot of girls, and i have no problem with this he doesnt say he's going to get with anyone and he'd made a joke about it and i didnt really think it was a problem until Harriet said:
he wouldnt do that to you
and i'm like
of course he won't no-one would want him and if he did he wouldnt get with anyone ever again!
and Harriet says:
are you worried
and i'm like
no no of course not! i hadn't really thought about it, it'll be fine, he wouldnt!
and she's like
it'll be fine...
i mean i hadn't thought about it until today, the thought didnt cross my mind, and when i found that post i thought it was a laugh and was funny and i was fine about it until i started to think about it, and think about it and then i joined the group that most women in the world have a lifetime membership to....
THE PARANOIA PARTY
i mean, right now i'm fine and i'm pretty new to all this paranoia over cheating, do people normally feel like this? and actually its not even the getting off with someone, it's the afterwards, it's the 'did it mean anything' bit that i can imagine not liking at all..... actually i take it back, i just thought about the getting off with someone part and actually i dont like that bit much either...
but it'll be fine as she said, i mean come on people we're not cavemen! we do posses a little self control!
no, no i'm not going to think about it anymore
these are the thoughts that slowly drive people insane until they turn into those limpet type girlfriends have to be with their boyfriend, literally clinging on their legs, because if not the paranoia party will come and pick you up whisk you to the party and make you dance until you breakdown in ASDA on the phone to them because you haven't spoken to the in half an hour and saw a tomato that was the shape of their head so you thought you'd call and then they tell you you're too clingy and they need some space, relationship over. (that might be a little far fetched but i guaranteed its happened somewhere)
well i'm not going to be that girl god damn it.
and besides i dont look at tomatoes that carefully so i think i'll be fine
just gotta trust ya'know?
i went ghetto there...
tragic.
Friday, 30 December 2011
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Shut Up, Your Point Is Invalid.
this has nothing to do with anything i write in here this purely for venting purposes but as it is the holidays i've been spending a vast amount of my time on facebook/twitter and i've realised something....
EVERYONE IS JUST SO IRRELEVANT.
now i say this and include myself in this judgement also, but there are so many people trying to make their lives look interesting but in reality they are sitting on facebook like me, bored out of their brains.
like there is one girl who i think has posted a picture of some sort of food aspect or beverage on facebook for the past 5 days with quaint little captions such a "favourite food" and "lovely", and everytime i see them, i want to punch something, or someone.
I MEAN ITS JUST SO IRRELEVANT IN MY LIFE.
i just dont care.
i really don't.
on twitter the same thing occurs, everyone explains their lives in the most minuet detail sucking out every single irrelevant detail of their lives and then judge everyone for 'tweeting too much' or just judge in general IT'S MADNESS.
and i'm not saying i don't do it too because i do, and i'm fully aware, and this isn't me saying i hate everyone, i just mildly dislike some of them sometimes.
AND ALSO ANOTHER THING THAT HAS ANNOYED ME
girls posting pictures of their 'christmas nails'
yo' serious?
really?
yes you've paint your nails red and green
oh you've drawn a little snow flake on your thumb?
oh is that blotch meant to be santa?
how quaint.
WEBTHUAOERCTOERSHTBAEVGNPEBTIESNRNGCKLVSTBSNOTRCGISEBIN
also, what makes it even funnier is that some of these girls use their nails as an excuse to pose with their hand for a new profile picture, in which they have their boobs hanging out, probably spent an hour doing their makeup and another hour doing their hair just so they get 'likes'
oh and also they have probably spent at least half an hour thinking of a 'witty' or 'deep' caption to deceive everyone into thinking they have a brain.
now i'm not saying they should stop doing it, i mean knock yourself out (literally would be nice) but please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DONT TAG YOURSELF IN IT SO IT COMES UP ON MY FEED.
all it says to me is...
"[name] has posted their picture on their wall" and is a desperate loser who really needs everyone else's attention and confirmation in order to feel any self worth.....
and that's all i see, and if you do that, guess what? IM NOT GOING TO LIKE YOUR BLOODY PHOTO. even if you do look nice (thanks photoshop and AS photography)
please just stop clogging up my feed....
you are
tragic.
EVERYONE IS JUST SO IRRELEVANT.
now i say this and include myself in this judgement also, but there are so many people trying to make their lives look interesting but in reality they are sitting on facebook like me, bored out of their brains.
like there is one girl who i think has posted a picture of some sort of food aspect or beverage on facebook for the past 5 days with quaint little captions such a "favourite food" and "lovely", and everytime i see them, i want to punch something, or someone.
I MEAN ITS JUST SO IRRELEVANT IN MY LIFE.
i just dont care.
i really don't.
on twitter the same thing occurs, everyone explains their lives in the most minuet detail sucking out every single irrelevant detail of their lives and then judge everyone for 'tweeting too much' or just judge in general IT'S MADNESS.
and i'm not saying i don't do it too because i do, and i'm fully aware, and this isn't me saying i hate everyone, i just mildly dislike some of them sometimes.
AND ALSO ANOTHER THING THAT HAS ANNOYED ME
girls posting pictures of their 'christmas nails'
yo' serious?
really?
yes you've paint your nails red and green
oh you've drawn a little snow flake on your thumb?
oh is that blotch meant to be santa?
how quaint.
WEBTHUAOERCTOERSHTBAEVGNPEBTIESNRNGCKLVSTBSNOTRCGISEBIN
also, what makes it even funnier is that some of these girls use their nails as an excuse to pose with their hand for a new profile picture, in which they have their boobs hanging out, probably spent an hour doing their makeup and another hour doing their hair just so they get 'likes'
oh and also they have probably spent at least half an hour thinking of a 'witty' or 'deep' caption to deceive everyone into thinking they have a brain.
now i'm not saying they should stop doing it, i mean knock yourself out (literally would be nice) but please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DONT TAG YOURSELF IN IT SO IT COMES UP ON MY FEED.
all it says to me is...
"[name] has posted their picture on their wall" and is a desperate loser who really needs everyone else's attention and confirmation in order to feel any self worth.....
and that's all i see, and if you do that, guess what? IM NOT GOING TO LIKE YOUR BLOODY PHOTO. even if you do look nice (thanks photoshop and AS photography)
please just stop clogging up my feed....
you are
tragic.
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
I Will Be Happy, I Was Happy, I Am Happy
well hay there! sorry it's been awhile but literally i've had no time in my life apart from crying over school work, and yes, i have been crying over it, embarrassing i know...
BUT ANYWAY, that's not why i'm here! i have big news (well big for me anyway) remember graham? is he my boyfriend? OH I THINK HE IS.
yes i know i've been a whiny bitch about this whole incident but to be honest i don't take back anything i said because i know at the time i did feel like that, the stressy loser which i am. but let me explain, and i have a feeling this post is going to be a long on.
OKAY
i'll go from where we left off, basically we were texting but not really, didn't seem to be going anywhere and like you read before i was ready to be like FUCK DIS SHI. i'd been out to tescos (if you remember that's where everyone goes to hang out) and we had been speaking but again it didnt seem to be going anywhere, sad times but whatever.
BUT a few weeks ago it was his 18th and he was having a house party with a friend of his who i know pretty well and i'd been invited. i basically thought, this is it, if nothing happens today then this thing is TOTALLY CLOSED. END OF. FINISHED. DONE. BOOM. yeah i got a bit into that....
anyway! so i turn up with some friends and like last time, i'm thinking i'm looking good and there is the prospect of a good evening. and just as i start to mingle with everyone my friend Harriet runs up to me and drags me into the kitchen saying that she "needs to talk to me. now!" so a little confused and still with my unopened drink in my hand i follow her into the kitchen and here is what she said
basically Harriet and her boyfriend had been here since the start of the party and witnessed the first awkward half hour there always is at a party when noone really knows each other and no one is drunk enough to strike up a conversation and apparently during this time many people where asking if i was coming/when i was coming/ if i was there yet, due to all these questions someone then asked who i was to which someone ELSE replied says "oh she's the girl graham fancies" and everyone looked at him and he just went red and quiet and then someone said "oh graham do you fancy her?" and he said "i'm not drunk enough to tell you yet"
SO I DID MY VICTORY DANCE. and squealed like a small child, and jumped like an excitable puppy, but hey give me some slack, i thought i was going to die a lonely recluse.
then i swaggered back into the party with a new air of confidence, things are looking up, very up. and of course, being the massive gossip which i am i RAN over to my friends as told them exactly what i'd heard AND SO THE VICTORY DANCE WAS REPEATED. (if you need an example go to youtube and type in: love actually - sarah and karl, see her dance then times it by ten.....)
and so onto the next plan; shamelessly flirting with him until i rip my clothes off and throw myself upon him. with encouragements from friends i slipped up to him and a group and started conversation, smiled, laughed, did the awful toss of the hair and tried SO HARD, i mean serious effort was put in. but obviously as it was his party he had to be host so soon i mingled with everyone else and ended up hanging out Beth and her boyfriend who know all about the situation and are drunk enough to laugh along about how tragic i am and at this point my memory gets hazy but basically beth went up to graham and talked about me, she did tell me what was said but like i said, memory is dead but what she said was along the lines of "if you like her go for it!" meanwhile i was having a lovely chat to her boyfriend who then said he was going to join in the conversation, and he basically said the same thing to graham.
now, this is not going to sound romantic at all but let me say my piece, but it must have been his drunk brain but he came up to me straight away and smiled and got off with me, lets just say i was a little surprised but here is the best bit! it was affectionate! i've never had affection, thinking back Will was an absolute SHIT kisser second only to the boy i told you about at the WWII party in the summer. i mean yes, this was a very drunk kiss but it was still nice, not sloppy and after he rested his forehead against mine and smiled and it just felt sweet and well meant.
Okay then the party continued but i cant remember it all i remember was feeling extremely proud/pleased with myself.
The next part i remember was that me and graham were sitting upstairs and he said that eventhough he was drunk he meant what was happening right now, which again i thought was sweet and then he said what i was so desperately wanting to happen, "you know what, sunday, we'll do something sunday", CALL FOR INTERNAL VICTORY DANCE IN MY BRAIN. but on the exterior i just calmly said "yes, that would be nice" so you maybe thinking that it could only be up from here? oh no, not in real world where only bad/awkward things happen to me. It started off with me being an idiot. he then asked me to go outside, obviously he wanted to talk to me, but in my drunken brain i went "GURL YOU ARE A STRONG AND INDEPENDENT WOMAN DONT LET HIM TELL YOU WHAT TO DO, BIATCH" so i didnt go out, and in hindsight, i probably should have but hey ho that was my big feminist stand (i think it's just as impressive as burning my bra don't you? i'm obviously joking)
So again here is another blank spot but i remember the next time i saw him he was completely gone, so so so on the brink of spewing all the alcohol he had consumed over the last hour all over the floor, so being the angel that i am i took him outside got him a glass of water and sat outside freezing my arse off in a skirt thin tights and a jumper without a top on underneath (that was me trying to be 'sexy' and 'alluring' never again, it was the beginning of december what was i thinking?!?) and being incredibly nice while he vommed again and again and again.... he even asked me why i was still there and to be honest i don't really know i said "because it's your birthday and i'd be a pretty shit person if i left you outside in cold on your own on your birthday" but i think that was only part of it, i think the other reason was that eventhough i felt like i was being messed around, i genuinely liked him and that's why i stayed, no other reason why.
then he said something that killed my buzz, and the words were "i'm not going to remember anything tomorrow"
well, that's nice... not going to remember anything you said to me, anything that happened between us, so i've wasted a good party for nothing....
GREAT
BLOODY BRILLIANT
i could have cried, but i sat there, i wasnt even angry, just sad, sad that i wasted my time and disappointed with myself because i should have learnt from the last two times!
so with the help of another girl i we took him up to the bathroom then i had to go, i remember exactly what i said here, i just said "text me, if you remember..." and went home and straight to bed.
BAD IDEA.
i have a slight reputation as being a girl who can get plastered but wake up the next day like she'd slept a full 8 hours and not let a single drop of alcohol touch her lips. i put it down to the fact i make sure i drink a pint of water and have a pain killer before i go to bed, that and that im very lucky. but this time i was so annoyed i just went straight to bed and woke up with THE MOST MONSTER HANGOVER EVER EXPERIENCED and i had to go to work, where i look after screaming, excitable children, kill me now.
but being the awful optimist i sent him a text, i know, why did i do that, looking back i dont know why i just didnt give up (but it looks like my keenness paid off for once) but he didnt reply, mood has not improved in the slightest.
but then who pops up on facebook that evening? it's only graham AND HE'S REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID ABOUT SUNDAY.
happy times, happy, happy times.
end of saga one, there's obviously lots more to fill you in on and right now im having a serious debate whether to continue tonight of finish off some other time.
tragic.
BUT ANYWAY, that's not why i'm here! i have big news (well big for me anyway) remember graham? is he my boyfriend? OH I THINK HE IS.
yes i know i've been a whiny bitch about this whole incident but to be honest i don't take back anything i said because i know at the time i did feel like that, the stressy loser which i am. but let me explain, and i have a feeling this post is going to be a long on.
OKAY
i'll go from where we left off, basically we were texting but not really, didn't seem to be going anywhere and like you read before i was ready to be like FUCK DIS SHI. i'd been out to tescos (if you remember that's where everyone goes to hang out) and we had been speaking but again it didnt seem to be going anywhere, sad times but whatever.
BUT a few weeks ago it was his 18th and he was having a house party with a friend of his who i know pretty well and i'd been invited. i basically thought, this is it, if nothing happens today then this thing is TOTALLY CLOSED. END OF. FINISHED. DONE. BOOM. yeah i got a bit into that....
anyway! so i turn up with some friends and like last time, i'm thinking i'm looking good and there is the prospect of a good evening. and just as i start to mingle with everyone my friend Harriet runs up to me and drags me into the kitchen saying that she "needs to talk to me. now!" so a little confused and still with my unopened drink in my hand i follow her into the kitchen and here is what she said
basically Harriet and her boyfriend had been here since the start of the party and witnessed the first awkward half hour there always is at a party when noone really knows each other and no one is drunk enough to strike up a conversation and apparently during this time many people where asking if i was coming/when i was coming/ if i was there yet, due to all these questions someone then asked who i was to which someone ELSE replied says "oh she's the girl graham fancies" and everyone looked at him and he just went red and quiet and then someone said "oh graham do you fancy her?" and he said "i'm not drunk enough to tell you yet"
SO I DID MY VICTORY DANCE. and squealed like a small child, and jumped like an excitable puppy, but hey give me some slack, i thought i was going to die a lonely recluse.
then i swaggered back into the party with a new air of confidence, things are looking up, very up. and of course, being the massive gossip which i am i RAN over to my friends as told them exactly what i'd heard AND SO THE VICTORY DANCE WAS REPEATED. (if you need an example go to youtube and type in: love actually - sarah and karl, see her dance then times it by ten.....)
and so onto the next plan; shamelessly flirting with him until i rip my clothes off and throw myself upon him. with encouragements from friends i slipped up to him and a group and started conversation, smiled, laughed, did the awful toss of the hair and tried SO HARD, i mean serious effort was put in. but obviously as it was his party he had to be host so soon i mingled with everyone else and ended up hanging out Beth and her boyfriend who know all about the situation and are drunk enough to laugh along about how tragic i am and at this point my memory gets hazy but basically beth went up to graham and talked about me, she did tell me what was said but like i said, memory is dead but what she said was along the lines of "if you like her go for it!" meanwhile i was having a lovely chat to her boyfriend who then said he was going to join in the conversation, and he basically said the same thing to graham.
now, this is not going to sound romantic at all but let me say my piece, but it must have been his drunk brain but he came up to me straight away and smiled and got off with me, lets just say i was a little surprised but here is the best bit! it was affectionate! i've never had affection, thinking back Will was an absolute SHIT kisser second only to the boy i told you about at the WWII party in the summer. i mean yes, this was a very drunk kiss but it was still nice, not sloppy and after he rested his forehead against mine and smiled and it just felt sweet and well meant.
Okay then the party continued but i cant remember it all i remember was feeling extremely proud/pleased with myself.
The next part i remember was that me and graham were sitting upstairs and he said that eventhough he was drunk he meant what was happening right now, which again i thought was sweet and then he said what i was so desperately wanting to happen, "you know what, sunday, we'll do something sunday", CALL FOR INTERNAL VICTORY DANCE IN MY BRAIN. but on the exterior i just calmly said "yes, that would be nice" so you maybe thinking that it could only be up from here? oh no, not in real world where only bad/awkward things happen to me. It started off with me being an idiot. he then asked me to go outside, obviously he wanted to talk to me, but in my drunken brain i went "GURL YOU ARE A STRONG AND INDEPENDENT WOMAN DONT LET HIM TELL YOU WHAT TO DO, BIATCH" so i didnt go out, and in hindsight, i probably should have but hey ho that was my big feminist stand (i think it's just as impressive as burning my bra don't you? i'm obviously joking)
So again here is another blank spot but i remember the next time i saw him he was completely gone, so so so on the brink of spewing all the alcohol he had consumed over the last hour all over the floor, so being the angel that i am i took him outside got him a glass of water and sat outside freezing my arse off in a skirt thin tights and a jumper without a top on underneath (that was me trying to be 'sexy' and 'alluring' never again, it was the beginning of december what was i thinking?!?) and being incredibly nice while he vommed again and again and again.... he even asked me why i was still there and to be honest i don't really know i said "because it's your birthday and i'd be a pretty shit person if i left you outside in cold on your own on your birthday" but i think that was only part of it, i think the other reason was that eventhough i felt like i was being messed around, i genuinely liked him and that's why i stayed, no other reason why.
then he said something that killed my buzz, and the words were "i'm not going to remember anything tomorrow"
well, that's nice... not going to remember anything you said to me, anything that happened between us, so i've wasted a good party for nothing....
GREAT
BLOODY BRILLIANT
i could have cried, but i sat there, i wasnt even angry, just sad, sad that i wasted my time and disappointed with myself because i should have learnt from the last two times!
so with the help of another girl i we took him up to the bathroom then i had to go, i remember exactly what i said here, i just said "text me, if you remember..." and went home and straight to bed.
BAD IDEA.
i have a slight reputation as being a girl who can get plastered but wake up the next day like she'd slept a full 8 hours and not let a single drop of alcohol touch her lips. i put it down to the fact i make sure i drink a pint of water and have a pain killer before i go to bed, that and that im very lucky. but this time i was so annoyed i just went straight to bed and woke up with THE MOST MONSTER HANGOVER EVER EXPERIENCED and i had to go to work, where i look after screaming, excitable children, kill me now.
but being the awful optimist i sent him a text, i know, why did i do that, looking back i dont know why i just didnt give up (but it looks like my keenness paid off for once) but he didnt reply, mood has not improved in the slightest.
but then who pops up on facebook that evening? it's only graham AND HE'S REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID ABOUT SUNDAY.
happy times, happy, happy times.
end of saga one, there's obviously lots more to fill you in on and right now im having a serious debate whether to continue tonight of finish off some other time.
tragic.
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