Right now i'm in such a mood to rant and moan but today, today i have decided to resist the urge to accept this temptation and spill out all my paranoia over your beautifully clean desktop. So i'm going to try desperately hard to turn this into a positive or at least a more BALANCED way off looking at life atm. I may have said before but whenever i don't have a lot going on in my social or love life i always focus on career. and actually my steps i need to take to be prepared from drama school auditions are going very well, so THERE'S ONE POSITIVE. and i've given up on graham again, who needs boys anyway? lesbianism anyone?
also, i had a little scare this week. i don't know if you but my hit counter is getting better and better, more people are reading it and it's happy times. HOWEVER, the other day someone asked me for my blog, and he's been talk about in here.
SO SERIOUS IMPROV WAS NEEDED THERE.
but then again i wondered why i didnt just give it to him? i mean, there's nothing offensive in here, and when i take the piss it's usually about myself rather than anyone else, so maybe i should be a lot more open about this in future? but i suppose people don't like others talking about them so i don't really know where i stand.
well whatever! it's my blog i can write about WHAT I LIKE.
END OF.
oh and the other half of my post is be just saying hiya to my american readers so:
haaiii there!
kinda ruined my rage there....
tragic.
Saturday, 19 November 2011
Sunday, 13 November 2011
Kindness, Suaveness and Moustaches.
Right guys, i know i said that i'd given up on Graham.... well i lied. i'm sorry, i can only apologise and hope that you don't hate me forever, which i know you won't, i'm great. (that was a joke)
ANYWAY, i'm sure you are a little confused to where this came about and of course as usual i am willing to divulge. right, on friday i was hanging out with my old friends and their boyfriends and to cut a long story short they invited me out to a house party on saturday. now, as you know, i was not going to turn down this opportunity (as you have seem the desperation in my last pathetic post).
so fast forward to saturday, i was feeling fly. had a nice dress on, feeling skinny, make up just right, i could tell it was going to be a good evening. and someone had told me that graham wasn't going which meant i had no worries about this evening, it was going to be BEAUTIFUL. So we get there, i introduce myself to the guy whos party it is because i dont actually know the guy and he didnt know i was coming which, you know, was fun but i managed to manoeuvre myself pretty well around the awkward situation so, in my opinion it wasnt awkward in the slightest! Then onto the pressing matter of mingling. which of course means getting absolutely wasted in order to pluck up the courage to talk to strangers. and the plan is working very well...
UNTIL(oh i know you've already guessed it)
in walks graham.
shit.
hadn't prepared myself for this.
NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
a friend comes up to me a reiterates the fact that he has actually walked in, you know, just in case i hadn't seen, which i had.
so i then have the decision, ignore or talk.
i chose talk, i mean ignoring would just make it forever awkward. and let me just remind you he had made no effort to speak to me after the last thing so that's why i perceived it as a little awkward. but actually i fucking hate it when people say things were 'awkward'. actually, i don't think there is such a thing, it's only awkward if you make it awkward! and to be honest i've made it my life plan to never consciously decide something is awkward. TANGENT. ANYWAY...
so while i wait for the right opportunity i do the thing we all do - the "i'm-so-engrossed-in-this-conversation-i'm-having-that-i-haven't-notice-anyone-walk-in,-especially-not-you" trick, don't lie, you do it too.
and then i go for it, i quietly stalk him and his friend and then 'accidently' walk past them and 'notice' them (i'm so flippin' smooth) and make a big old deal of saying hi etc and it's alright, so i think good, sorted, done!
i'll make it clear here, i never intended to hang out with Graham the whole evening, at all.
but it sorta just happened, i mean, my memory is a little hazy but i think there were a group of us dancing and we ended up talking and then talking and talking and it carried on from there. i was drunk and it was nice. so now i'll go through events and you can see why i'm confused.
so Graham was meant to go to another party which was fancy dress so he'd come in bowler hat, suit, tie, moustache - the works. and i won't lie, to make the first meeting less painful i stole the hat, and wore it, for most of the evening, and the funny thing is whenever some took it off me he grab it back and give it to me...odd, probably just drunkenness.
he let me sit on him outside and we chatted and then we chatted to everyone else and it turned quite 'coupley' again, and i won't lie to you, i was enjoying myself, and he had the perfect opportunity to kiss me when we were alone, but he didn't... odd, but the night was young and i didn't really care. (such a gay sentence there)
now this time i think i was drunker than graham and at one point i felt so, so, so ill, i mean vom was about to have me in his clutches. so graham offered to take me outside, got me a drink, shared the glass (i'm being petty with details now i know, but usually i think this is a good side, i'm lame) and i'm going to say it again, i was enjoying myself, eventhough i felt like i was about to vomit my insides out, not that i did just to let you know.
and it remained like that, we danced, chatted, he had his arm around me, it was going well in my opinion, very well INDEED.
then it was time to leave, we hugged then i made the awkward move to leave but stay at the same time because in my brain im thinking KISS ME, LAST CHANCE.
then we moved a little then hugged AGAIN, brain's still going KISS ME
then we moved to go get my stuff and we hug AGAIN. and now i'm thinking BLOODY KISS ME YOU TWAT. (drunk anger, i laugh at myself)
but he doesn't.
so here is the most awful bit, i did the classic say what you were thinking and think what you were meant to say, if you don't know what that is i'll explain with my practical example:
i was MEANT to say: "okay see you around!" and think "i don't understand"
BUT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WAS THAT
i THOUGHT "okay see you around!" and SAID was "i don't understand"
thank the lord he didnt hear what he said it was "sorry what was that?" "OH, nothing..." moment, so i got out of that fine. then i made him text me this time and he said the whole "i didnt realise i had your number (which he has told me when he had found it the week before), and of course i will", so we BLOODY HUGGED AGAIN, then i went to leave, but drunk brain kicked in again, i ran back (and what you're thinking is probably wrong here)
i didn't kiss him
instead i made him pinky promise to text me.
PINKY PROMISE?!?!
WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?
not a lot evidently.
anyway it turned out it worked in my favour as sitting in church on sunday i feel my phone go off, and it says:
Graham
as pinky promised....
happy days.
but it's been a few days after and things are going okay, i'm not really sure, i mean i'll get two texts at most in a day, it's annoying because you can't get to know a person with two texts each it's IMPOSSIBLE. and you know me, i hate putting myself out there....
spinster 4eva.
tragic.
(sorry for any grammar and spelling mistakes haven't proof read, do that later ;) )
ANYWAY, i'm sure you are a little confused to where this came about and of course as usual i am willing to divulge. right, on friday i was hanging out with my old friends and their boyfriends and to cut a long story short they invited me out to a house party on saturday. now, as you know, i was not going to turn down this opportunity (as you have seem the desperation in my last pathetic post).
so fast forward to saturday, i was feeling fly. had a nice dress on, feeling skinny, make up just right, i could tell it was going to be a good evening. and someone had told me that graham wasn't going which meant i had no worries about this evening, it was going to be BEAUTIFUL. So we get there, i introduce myself to the guy whos party it is because i dont actually know the guy and he didnt know i was coming which, you know, was fun but i managed to manoeuvre myself pretty well around the awkward situation so, in my opinion it wasnt awkward in the slightest! Then onto the pressing matter of mingling. which of course means getting absolutely wasted in order to pluck up the courage to talk to strangers. and the plan is working very well...
UNTIL(oh i know you've already guessed it)
in walks graham.
shit.
hadn't prepared myself for this.
NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
a friend comes up to me a reiterates the fact that he has actually walked in, you know, just in case i hadn't seen, which i had.
so i then have the decision, ignore or talk.
i chose talk, i mean ignoring would just make it forever awkward. and let me just remind you he had made no effort to speak to me after the last thing so that's why i perceived it as a little awkward. but actually i fucking hate it when people say things were 'awkward'. actually, i don't think there is such a thing, it's only awkward if you make it awkward! and to be honest i've made it my life plan to never consciously decide something is awkward. TANGENT. ANYWAY...
so while i wait for the right opportunity i do the thing we all do - the "i'm-so-engrossed-in-this-conversation-i'm-having-that-i-haven't-notice-anyone-walk-in,-especially-not-you" trick, don't lie, you do it too.
and then i go for it, i quietly stalk him and his friend and then 'accidently' walk past them and 'notice' them (i'm so flippin' smooth) and make a big old deal of saying hi etc and it's alright, so i think good, sorted, done!
i'll make it clear here, i never intended to hang out with Graham the whole evening, at all.
but it sorta just happened, i mean, my memory is a little hazy but i think there were a group of us dancing and we ended up talking and then talking and talking and it carried on from there. i was drunk and it was nice. so now i'll go through events and you can see why i'm confused.
so Graham was meant to go to another party which was fancy dress so he'd come in bowler hat, suit, tie, moustache - the works. and i won't lie, to make the first meeting less painful i stole the hat, and wore it, for most of the evening, and the funny thing is whenever some took it off me he grab it back and give it to me...odd, probably just drunkenness.
he let me sit on him outside and we chatted and then we chatted to everyone else and it turned quite 'coupley' again, and i won't lie to you, i was enjoying myself, and he had the perfect opportunity to kiss me when we were alone, but he didn't... odd, but the night was young and i didn't really care. (such a gay sentence there)
now this time i think i was drunker than graham and at one point i felt so, so, so ill, i mean vom was about to have me in his clutches. so graham offered to take me outside, got me a drink, shared the glass (i'm being petty with details now i know, but usually i think this is a good side, i'm lame) and i'm going to say it again, i was enjoying myself, eventhough i felt like i was about to vomit my insides out, not that i did just to let you know.
and it remained like that, we danced, chatted, he had his arm around me, it was going well in my opinion, very well INDEED.
then it was time to leave, we hugged then i made the awkward move to leave but stay at the same time because in my brain im thinking KISS ME, LAST CHANCE.
then we moved a little then hugged AGAIN, brain's still going KISS ME
then we moved to go get my stuff and we hug AGAIN. and now i'm thinking BLOODY KISS ME YOU TWAT. (drunk anger, i laugh at myself)
but he doesn't.
so here is the most awful bit, i did the classic say what you were thinking and think what you were meant to say, if you don't know what that is i'll explain with my practical example:
i was MEANT to say: "okay see you around!" and think "i don't understand"
BUT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WAS THAT
i THOUGHT "okay see you around!" and SAID was "i don't understand"
thank the lord he didnt hear what he said it was "sorry what was that?" "OH, nothing..." moment, so i got out of that fine. then i made him text me this time and he said the whole "i didnt realise i had your number (which he has told me when he had found it the week before), and of course i will", so we BLOODY HUGGED AGAIN, then i went to leave, but drunk brain kicked in again, i ran back (and what you're thinking is probably wrong here)
i didn't kiss him
instead i made him pinky promise to text me.
PINKY PROMISE?!?!
WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?
not a lot evidently.
anyway it turned out it worked in my favour as sitting in church on sunday i feel my phone go off, and it says:
Graham
as pinky promised....
happy days.
but it's been a few days after and things are going okay, i'm not really sure, i mean i'll get two texts at most in a day, it's annoying because you can't get to know a person with two texts each it's IMPOSSIBLE. and you know me, i hate putting myself out there....
spinster 4eva.
tragic.
(sorry for any grammar and spelling mistakes haven't proof read, do that later ;) )
Wednesday, 9 November 2011
I Don't Want Realism.
the title is a quote from the play a streetcar named desire, and it have relevance in my life, extreme relevance.
Bella's boyfriend (tangent here, Bella doesn't want to be called Bella anymore because she knows someone... i don't need to say anymore so i think she'll be called Beth) okay BETH'S boyfriend let me read his blog and he read this and he wrote a post which really appealed to me.
it was all about monotony, how life turns into a cycle of the same events, then at the weekend the cycle changes but it's still a boring cycle never the less. and it made me think; at the moment this is my life. weekdays: struggle through school while working on my audition pieces and trying to not let my social life slip through my fingers. it goes as follows, wake up, get on the bus, turn up late for school, work at school, get home, snack, sit on twitter and facebook, eat, watch TV, go to bed REPEAT. weekends: work, drama, school work on a sunday then back to school. did i mention drama takes up a HUGE chunk of my time? i have four lessons of drama for a levels a week, have rehearsals for the village panto tuesdays, i run year seven drama club wednesdays, i also help direct a year 8 play for their big festival, i'm the lead in a play called 'black comedy' at school which rehearse on fridays, i'm in the crucible at my drama school on saturdays, i work as a teaching assistant teaching small children how to act on saturdays, i sometimes have rehearsals for panto on sundays.... EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE POINTS TO DRAMA. and i don't know whether to be happy or embarrassed by that... anyway, because it takes up a large part of my life it's hard to have a social life and it upsets me but i have to say that all this drama adds to my monotony, i enjoy it but it does.
ANYWAY back to the post, he also said about how through your own monotony you hear about others who break their monotony together by going out and be the 'in crowd'. they drink, have sex and then spend the next week talking about it.... and i'm sick of it. so i go and do my work and end up losing more and more of my social life. hence why i've not had a lot to say on the boy front, hopefully it'll all pick up.
and now everything links to the title of the post, you see, this is real life, reality, it cannot be anything else, of course i'm like every other normal girl on the planet and would love to have that 'movie romance' that whirlwind that keeps going and that balance of bliss and arguments that every relationship in a film finds the perfect combination between. but i'm not stupid, i'm not naive, i KNOW this doesn't exist, if it did there wouldn't need to be films made about it would it? i would say i'm a realist. i understand that relationships aren't perfect, things don't always go your way and you have to fight your own battles to get anywhere. but i don't want realism! or should that be COMPLETE realism, i want that little bit of magic (in the least lame way possible) that unexpectancy, a sudden change in fate,where my life alters every so slightly. this isn't me saying my life is awful because that would be me being melodramatic, i'm healthy, i have friends, family, i'm smart and creative, i have a job and good grades i just want a nice surprise, not having to feel like i have to work for once to break this monotony, but i think i will have to wait. i have heard good things happen to those who wait.
sorry about the moan and thanks for reading i really am....
tragic.
Bella's boyfriend (tangent here, Bella doesn't want to be called Bella anymore because she knows someone... i don't need to say anymore so i think she'll be called Beth) okay BETH'S boyfriend let me read his blog and he read this and he wrote a post which really appealed to me.
it was all about monotony, how life turns into a cycle of the same events, then at the weekend the cycle changes but it's still a boring cycle never the less. and it made me think; at the moment this is my life. weekdays: struggle through school while working on my audition pieces and trying to not let my social life slip through my fingers. it goes as follows, wake up, get on the bus, turn up late for school, work at school, get home, snack, sit on twitter and facebook, eat, watch TV, go to bed REPEAT. weekends: work, drama, school work on a sunday then back to school. did i mention drama takes up a HUGE chunk of my time? i have four lessons of drama for a levels a week, have rehearsals for the village panto tuesdays, i run year seven drama club wednesdays, i also help direct a year 8 play for their big festival, i'm the lead in a play called 'black comedy' at school which rehearse on fridays, i'm in the crucible at my drama school on saturdays, i work as a teaching assistant teaching small children how to act on saturdays, i sometimes have rehearsals for panto on sundays.... EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE POINTS TO DRAMA. and i don't know whether to be happy or embarrassed by that... anyway, because it takes up a large part of my life it's hard to have a social life and it upsets me but i have to say that all this drama adds to my monotony, i enjoy it but it does.
ANYWAY back to the post, he also said about how through your own monotony you hear about others who break their monotony together by going out and be the 'in crowd'. they drink, have sex and then spend the next week talking about it.... and i'm sick of it. so i go and do my work and end up losing more and more of my social life. hence why i've not had a lot to say on the boy front, hopefully it'll all pick up.
and now everything links to the title of the post, you see, this is real life, reality, it cannot be anything else, of course i'm like every other normal girl on the planet and would love to have that 'movie romance' that whirlwind that keeps going and that balance of bliss and arguments that every relationship in a film finds the perfect combination between. but i'm not stupid, i'm not naive, i KNOW this doesn't exist, if it did there wouldn't need to be films made about it would it? i would say i'm a realist. i understand that relationships aren't perfect, things don't always go your way and you have to fight your own battles to get anywhere. but i don't want realism! or should that be COMPLETE realism, i want that little bit of magic (in the least lame way possible) that unexpectancy, a sudden change in fate,where my life alters every so slightly. this isn't me saying my life is awful because that would be me being melodramatic, i'm healthy, i have friends, family, i'm smart and creative, i have a job and good grades i just want a nice surprise, not having to feel like i have to work for once to break this monotony, but i think i will have to wait. i have heard good things happen to those who wait.
sorry about the moan and thanks for reading i really am....
tragic.
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