Sorry but I really just wanted to post this for the sake, it'll be ranty, self indulgent, self pitying and self righteous, but I'm just going to do this, so...
Sorry in advance!
All I wanted to say is I feel sick.
Sick of myself.
I don't know what is wrong with me, on the outside I'm fine but on the inside I'm just so angry.
Im sick of people using me.
I'm sick of boys using me.
I'm sick of people expecting things of me.
I'm sick of not being good enough for anything.
I'm sick of the shitty weather.
I'm sick of lack of sleep.
I'm sick of comfort eating.
I'm sick of feeling different with the people I should feel closest with.
I'm sick of feeling shit.
I'm sick of.... Everything.
There I'm done, that's all I wanted to say, sorry its not funny or any of that shit, the next one I do will be I promise! :)
I just wanted to... II don't know... Get rid of it.
Tragic.
Saturday, 22 December 2012
Wednesday, 5 December 2012
Clingy, Benefits and Unsuitable Males PART ONE
HIYA EVERYONE! Right I know I haven't posted for awhile but I thought I'd post because I've had an EVENTFUL few weeks!
I had a really nice realisation the other week that anyone who is getting over a break up welcomes with open arms (and legs I suppose if you're a slut?) I could get a boyfriend if I wanted to. People DO find me attractive.
HONESTLY ITS THE BEST FEELING (I know this makes me sound MEGA arrogant but honestly it was the confidence boost I needed.)
HOWEVER, THIS REALISATION COMES FROM A STORY WHICH IS BOTH HIDEOUS AND HILARIOUS ALL AT ONCE.
Are you ready?
Here goes.
Two weeks ago I was invited to two 18th on the same weekend and I was pretty up for it and I have to say I fully utilised my flirting ability. I got with two guys (and by got with I mean kissed you dirty minded people!)
SO PARTY NUMBER ONE!
I'm looking nice, nice black tie event, lots of people I know, get gloriously drunk and genuinely just having a nice time. Get talking to a group of males and I can't remember how (thanks drunk brain) but I end up on my own talking to this guy Ben. I actually quite like him.
He seems nice.
He seems like a laugh.
He seems chatty.
WHAT HE DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT AT THIS MINUTE IS WEIRD.
I was so deceived.
So we are chatting and I think 'hey you know what I'm not a flirt retard, I might have been a little out of practise before but now I'm on fire!' (Look at that awful drunken cliche)
And I end up kissing him.
It's not great, all I can say is... Teeth. But tbh I was very drunk so I can't have been amazingly smooth myself.
Anyway, topic moves onto where we work, I mention that I work at a pub
What pub, he asks.
Oh it's in my village I say
When do you work, he asks
On Mondays and Fridays, I say
Ill come visit you, he says
IM SORRY WHAT. PARDON. REALLY. IS THAT A BIT WEIRD? YES IT IS.
you don't have to do that, I say
But I want to, he says give me your number
And is very forward and won't let it drop.
AWKIE PORKIES TO DA MAX.
so that's first weird moment of the evening.
Then he asks me to 'kiss on everything' like a weird kiss pact that I can't back out of, like the mafia.
Second weird moment.
Then I go get a drink and he follows me over to the bar.
Now I don't remember this but a friend was watching this all occurring from afar...
So obviously I was feeling a WEE bit uncomfortable and shuffled away from him, then like a snake his arm... Snakes. Back around my waist and draws me in like a... Snake.
So I'd been thinking 'Na I'm not into this, bit full on, ABORT ABORT ABORT'
So what do I do?
I HIDE IN THE TOILETS OF COURSE.
The safe haven of the club world.
Wait for awhile, there's a girl in there with vodka so I swig and we chat, and the more drunk I get the more arrogantly confident I get, IM NOT GOING TO LET SOME GUY SHUT ME IN THE LOO ALL EVENING, I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN, IM GOING OUT THERE, IM GOING TO DANCE. LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
So I rush out of the loos, into the dance floor BOOM TOWN.
I'm dancing its great, dancey, dancey, dance, and I think he leaves me alone... FOR AWHILE.
Then I can't remember where this bit comes in but somehow I'm with him again and were getting off, again, and he starts to bend me BACKWARDS.
So I'm pushing, no, STRUGGLING away saying 'I don't bend that way!'
AND HE SAYS...
'Oh you will'
PARDON. WHAT. EXCUSE ME. WAS THAT A LITTLE SEXIST. YES. YES IT WAS.
PLEASE GET ME AWAY.
And to top it all off, it gets late my taxi turns up, I'm not with him but I look at the exit and he's around there.
There is no way I'm leaving without him seeing.
Lets go say goodbye.
So I shuffle over to him, and force myself to say bye
We kiss again, and I think by this point I'm making it last as little time as possible, this is not fun.
'But that's not too bad, that's not too clingy or anything!' I hear you cry.
I HAVEN'T FINISHED.
so JUST as I'm about to get into the taxi and shut the door I hear a 'WAAAAAIT!'
A friend of mine who is in the taxi goes, I think it's for you
I turn around....
ITS BEN.
OH MY GOD.
I'VE SAID GOODBYE.
PLEASE LET ME GO HOME.
'Kiss me again, promise me you'll text me'
I'm at the end of the line.
I'm like a hamster that has been petted too many times and has that crazed look in its eye. I'm dangerous.
Bad move. Bad bad move.
NO!
I shout and shut the taxi door.
Thank fuck for that.
I pray my number isn't in his phone. I pray I don't have a hangover tomorrow. I pray that, like me he thinks its a one off thing.
Sadly I have no such luck.
Dreadfully hungover and with little kids running around screaming at my second job, I think about this, I've left my phone at home, I'm actually scared about what ill find when I get home.
And OH GOOD.
THERE'S A TEXT.
Now what do I do? GO OUT AND GET DRUNK AND MEET SOMEONE UNSUITABLE ALL OVER AGAIN.
Tragic.
I had a really nice realisation the other week that anyone who is getting over a break up welcomes with open arms (and legs I suppose if you're a slut?) I could get a boyfriend if I wanted to. People DO find me attractive.
HONESTLY ITS THE BEST FEELING (I know this makes me sound MEGA arrogant but honestly it was the confidence boost I needed.)
HOWEVER, THIS REALISATION COMES FROM A STORY WHICH IS BOTH HIDEOUS AND HILARIOUS ALL AT ONCE.
Are you ready?
Here goes.
Two weeks ago I was invited to two 18th on the same weekend and I was pretty up for it and I have to say I fully utilised my flirting ability. I got with two guys (and by got with I mean kissed you dirty minded people!)
SO PARTY NUMBER ONE!
I'm looking nice, nice black tie event, lots of people I know, get gloriously drunk and genuinely just having a nice time. Get talking to a group of males and I can't remember how (thanks drunk brain) but I end up on my own talking to this guy Ben. I actually quite like him.
He seems nice.
He seems like a laugh.
He seems chatty.
WHAT HE DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT AT THIS MINUTE IS WEIRD.
I was so deceived.
So we are chatting and I think 'hey you know what I'm not a flirt retard, I might have been a little out of practise before but now I'm on fire!' (Look at that awful drunken cliche)
And I end up kissing him.
It's not great, all I can say is... Teeth. But tbh I was very drunk so I can't have been amazingly smooth myself.
Anyway, topic moves onto where we work, I mention that I work at a pub
What pub, he asks.
Oh it's in my village I say
When do you work, he asks
On Mondays and Fridays, I say
Ill come visit you, he says
IM SORRY WHAT. PARDON. REALLY. IS THAT A BIT WEIRD? YES IT IS.
you don't have to do that, I say
But I want to, he says give me your number
And is very forward and won't let it drop.
AWKIE PORKIES TO DA MAX.
so that's first weird moment of the evening.
Then he asks me to 'kiss on everything' like a weird kiss pact that I can't back out of, like the mafia.
Second weird moment.
Then I go get a drink and he follows me over to the bar.
Now I don't remember this but a friend was watching this all occurring from afar...
So obviously I was feeling a WEE bit uncomfortable and shuffled away from him, then like a snake his arm... Snakes. Back around my waist and draws me in like a... Snake.
So I'd been thinking 'Na I'm not into this, bit full on, ABORT ABORT ABORT'
So what do I do?
I HIDE IN THE TOILETS OF COURSE.
The safe haven of the club world.
Wait for awhile, there's a girl in there with vodka so I swig and we chat, and the more drunk I get the more arrogantly confident I get, IM NOT GOING TO LET SOME GUY SHUT ME IN THE LOO ALL EVENING, I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN, IM GOING OUT THERE, IM GOING TO DANCE. LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
So I rush out of the loos, into the dance floor BOOM TOWN.
I'm dancing its great, dancey, dancey, dance, and I think he leaves me alone... FOR AWHILE.
Then I can't remember where this bit comes in but somehow I'm with him again and were getting off, again, and he starts to bend me BACKWARDS.
So I'm pushing, no, STRUGGLING away saying 'I don't bend that way!'
AND HE SAYS...
'Oh you will'
PARDON. WHAT. EXCUSE ME. WAS THAT A LITTLE SEXIST. YES. YES IT WAS.
PLEASE GET ME AWAY.
And to top it all off, it gets late my taxi turns up, I'm not with him but I look at the exit and he's around there.
There is no way I'm leaving without him seeing.
Lets go say goodbye.
So I shuffle over to him, and force myself to say bye
We kiss again, and I think by this point I'm making it last as little time as possible, this is not fun.
'But that's not too bad, that's not too clingy or anything!' I hear you cry.
I HAVEN'T FINISHED.
so JUST as I'm about to get into the taxi and shut the door I hear a 'WAAAAAIT!'
A friend of mine who is in the taxi goes, I think it's for you
I turn around....
ITS BEN.
OH MY GOD.
I'VE SAID GOODBYE.
PLEASE LET ME GO HOME.
'Kiss me again, promise me you'll text me'
I'm at the end of the line.
I'm like a hamster that has been petted too many times and has that crazed look in its eye. I'm dangerous.
Bad move. Bad bad move.
NO!
I shout and shut the taxi door.
Thank fuck for that.
I pray my number isn't in his phone. I pray I don't have a hangover tomorrow. I pray that, like me he thinks its a one off thing.
Sadly I have no such luck.
Dreadfully hungover and with little kids running around screaming at my second job, I think about this, I've left my phone at home, I'm actually scared about what ill find when I get home.
And OH GOOD.
THERE'S A TEXT.
Now what do I do? GO OUT AND GET DRUNK AND MEET SOMEONE UNSUITABLE ALL OVER AGAIN.
Tragic.
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Resolutions, Hangovers and Growing Up
Today I woke up with a hangover.
A TERRIBLE hangover.
So I'm lying in my warm, comfy bed thinking about how much I enjoyed myself last night.
Then I had a moment that everyone has at least once in their lives
I can't believe I did that last night.
And the thing is I really can't.
Now you're probably wondering what I did and I will tell you.
After all the other nights I've had out since at this one I cried. AGAIN.
I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
I feel like an absolute tool.
What's worse is I can't remember large chunks of it, how long it went on for, how it started, NOTHING! And that is so much worse because I have no idea who to apologise to! I don't know what I said and how bad it was...
(Let me just say if anyone is reading this that encountered me during that period of time let me just say I apologise)
And the thing is I know it was the alcohol.
I'm fine sober, I'm happy with singleness and I enjoy my life. My friends and fam are great and everything is pretty good at the moment.
SO I AM RESOLVED.
I will no longer drink excessively and I have thought of MANY reasons whilst curled up in bed CRINGING over last night...
You remember things when you're less drunk.
You're happier when you're less drunk.
You don't make a fool of yourself when you're less drunk.
You also don't get hangovers when you're less drunk.
So I WILL NOW BE LESS DRUNK AND MORE SOPHISTICATED FOREVER
In this month and a half I've made a fool of myself more than enough to know that this is a good move for me, I've had two rebounds, hot rebounds but meaningless rebounds nevertheless. They didn't make me feel any better in the long run. It's made me realise I actually don't want any sort of relationship thing at the moment until I meet someone I actually really like.
So it's the first of November and the first day of less drunk me. I'll let you know how it goes...
Now I'm going to take a painkiller, have a glass of water and have my driving lesson.
I think I might still be drunk.
Stay off the road.
Tragic.
A TERRIBLE hangover.
So I'm lying in my warm, comfy bed thinking about how much I enjoyed myself last night.
Then I had a moment that everyone has at least once in their lives
I can't believe I did that last night.
And the thing is I really can't.
Now you're probably wondering what I did and I will tell you.
After all the other nights I've had out since at this one I cried. AGAIN.
I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
I feel like an absolute tool.
What's worse is I can't remember large chunks of it, how long it went on for, how it started, NOTHING! And that is so much worse because I have no idea who to apologise to! I don't know what I said and how bad it was...
(Let me just say if anyone is reading this that encountered me during that period of time let me just say I apologise)
And the thing is I know it was the alcohol.
I'm fine sober, I'm happy with singleness and I enjoy my life. My friends and fam are great and everything is pretty good at the moment.
SO I AM RESOLVED.
I will no longer drink excessively and I have thought of MANY reasons whilst curled up in bed CRINGING over last night...
You remember things when you're less drunk.
You're happier when you're less drunk.
You don't make a fool of yourself when you're less drunk.
You also don't get hangovers when you're less drunk.
So I WILL NOW BE LESS DRUNK AND MORE SOPHISTICATED FOREVER
In this month and a half I've made a fool of myself more than enough to know that this is a good move for me, I've had two rebounds, hot rebounds but meaningless rebounds nevertheless. They didn't make me feel any better in the long run. It's made me realise I actually don't want any sort of relationship thing at the moment until I meet someone I actually really like.
So it's the first of November and the first day of less drunk me. I'll let you know how it goes...
Now I'm going to take a painkiller, have a glass of water and have my driving lesson.
I think I might still be drunk.
Stay off the road.
Tragic.
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