Annoyance, Jealousy, And Avoiding Revision

As you can see from the title of this post I am expertly avoiding revision like every other student in the country but i've come here to moan.
the thing is i feel like this blog isnt completely private anymore, especially when it comes the bad points of my love life, i mean now that graham knows about this blog and although he promised he wouldn't read it again i still can't get rid of that pain in the arse feeling that me ranting my feelings when he pisses me off would be a good idea. same with what friends say about my love life, i do want to explain stuff on here but i'm not allowed to as it would probably be seen as bitching and i definitely don't need ANYMORE stress in my life...
but fuck it.
from now on i'm just going to say whatever i damn well please, FIGHT DA POWER!
anyone who reads this please don't be offended i suppose i'm just splurging...


anyway what i think i want to speak about today is jealousy,  it's terrible but i've been seeing that awful green eyed monster or goblin or pixie or whatever the hell it is and many of you out there will know that once you feel jealous it is VERY HARD to stop being jealous.


and this puts my love life into question... note here that i know i'm just being INCREDIBLY NEEDY and ridiculous....
okay, me and graham have never been very 'pda' and i suppose that's never been a problem as when we're alone in public (just realised that doesn't make ANY sense but i mean without friends of whatevz) we can be hand holdy, peck every so often and that is A OKAY in my opinion, you know i'm down with that.
but the problem started to arise once i realised why i no longer enjoy going for a night out with friends and graham....
it's because i can compare
never compare
just dont
now in our extended friendship groups there are many couples and these couples i feel have just the right amount of pda, it's the same amount me and graham have when we go out together alone.
the thing is... when we go out with friends i get nothing. zilch. nada. nout.
and i thought i could deal with it
but i cant
im too paranoid
it's awful
the thing is from my experience of guys i have become incredibly cautious of backing off when i think a guy is  turning off me, and even though i've been in a relationship for around half a year now i STILL feel like this... i think i'm definitely broken
THIS ISNT NORMAL
BUT IT HAPPENS.
therefore as horribly clingy as this sounds i need little reminders every so often that he isn't going to just turn around and dump me and at these parties do the exact opposite. so all the couple friends are all loved up and i just look at them and think
I WANT THAT!
i mean there are some limpet couples who never detach from each other and i'm not saying i want that, i definitely don't want that, i just want a comfortable middle in which when we going out hang out go off with other friends then meet up again or whatever just i don't feel so incredibly single!
the thing is you're probably sitting there thinking 'oh no you're over exaggerating' no no, one time we went to a party and the first kiss i got was when i was LEAVING. WE'D BEEN THERE FOR 5 HOURS. and another time we went out for a group meal and some couples were there so i had to watch them all together, and i sat there, feeling single. again, no kiss. and there isn't really a problem because everything else is so good but this one little thing would make things PERFECT plz


also the other thing that bugs me is that he can be so rude without meaning to be, and because he doesnt mean to be he doesn't realise, so nothing changes! and i think it's just me being touchy but it really worries me, because sometimes it gets to the point where i'm thinking 'well do i want this anymore? am i actually happy?' then i realise this is me doing the whole distancing thing again because somewhere in my brain i'm telling myself he doesn't like me anymore AND THE WHOLE RIDICULOUS CYCLE STARTS AGAIN were i feel shit, over analyse, and then feel shit again.
i think another thing that is making this worse is the whole uni thing, although at the moment he thought about it and decided he wanted to stay with me when he left but there's this teeny tiny little feeling that i don't believe him and me thinking its not going to work (which is stupid because we haven't got there/given it a go, we will just both have to make more effort which is think leads to my worry) which leads the the over analysing, which leads to the jealousy, which then leads to the worry, which then leads to everything else etc etc...
i think i just need a cuddle.
or a slap.
and i can't really speak to my friends about this because i moan too much about this all and they all already have questionable opinions on graham, so looks like i'm going to have to deal with this myself.


there isn't really anything to deal with really...
apart from gatsby.
i need to deal with him now.
i hate revision...




tragic.

A Very Very Long Time.

WELL HEY THERE EVERYONE. (meaning no one because i haven't posted in such a long time that NO ONE will be reading!)
IM BACK.


basically things have gone hectic with exams and the such like and i haven't really had time or the inclination to blog but i think IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE (also i'm sick of revising).
basically, things with me and graham are going good, really good actually, obviously it's been months now so i don't think i will fill you in on every little detail but i will give you a quick run down on stuff. it's been around half a year, we didn't spend christmas together, or valentines day but he did make up for it by making the cutest meal with little presents for me, must have been maybe 3 months ago now? we went on holiday with my fam in easter which was so nice and in general although sometimes we are a bit shaking i feel very very lucky. the bad bit is that in a few months he goes to uni and although we've kinda talked about it i still don't really know what's going to happen with all of that but i tend not to think about it too much.
annnnnywwwaaaay
here is how everything is going to go down from now on, basically as its been a long time i thought i wouldnt bore you with catching up with everything so im going to start blogging now and every so often you might get a nugget from the past if it's relevant/i have nothing to post so i just gush...
also what is below is something i wrote in january but for some reason i didn't post, no idea why.



well haii guys! how's it going?

sorry i haven't posted for awhile i've been megaaa busy but also i've had lovely embarrassing moments i thought  i'd share with the likes of you. 

basically, i've been keeping a low profile because graham, saw my blog a couple of weeks ago. i know. it was slightly mortifying but i got through it but actually hopefully it has helped the whole relationship thingamabob has he's now seen how my terrible brain works. ANYWAY, LETS NOT DWELL!

basically, im here to keep going with the story of how we got together slash i need to rant and moan about my life. SO WHERE TO START.

mine and graham's first date.

okay, so we arranged the sunday date on the saturday, and that was good because it means i had less time to stress over it.

so i took this date as casual, wore some casual clothes, casually got ready, EVERYTHING IS CASUAL OK?!?! (did i mention that even with the limited time i can still worry?) mumma drives me to town, feeling absolutely fine which i takes as a good sign, then walking up to the cinema i get a phone call from graham asking where i am.

from this point i'd actually been feeling pretty good about this whole thing, but this phone call changed everything. i mean it was MEGA AWKS. and so it sent my crazy crazy brain into over drive and went as follows:

"OH MEEEH GEEE WHY WAS THAT SO AWKWARD? IS THE WHOLE DATE GOING TO BE THAT AWKWARD?! SHOULD I JUST TURN AROUND AND GO HOME?!" 

but i settled it. i swallowed. i shut up and i kept walking.
BE A NORMAL PERSON.
so i meet with him and i literally jump into my defensive mode and talk, and talk and talk, i know i've said in the past i dont believe in awkward situations but at the same time, i know they exist and i REALLY didnt want it to happen, not today.
so we approach neutral ground, talking about the party on friday, filling each other in on bits we vaguely remembered, the aftermath etc etc and it seemed to be going well! this is good!
now, i know you guys are ACHING to know what lovely, romantic film we'd chosen to see, and so, i think i'll tell you!
we went to see TinTin.
yes that's right. Tin Tin.
but actually it was a laugh, at one point he did the move and i had another one of those moments were i could have clapped it was so smooth. basically, graham is very tall, and i am very short, meaning when arms are resting on the same armrest there is alot more arm on his department, proper lank is my graham. i remember thinking i really really wanted something to happen so i thought fuck it and just show him you're interested, so i go to hold his hand... BUT NO I ENCOUNTER THE LANK AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. so as im groping in the dark for his hand like some sort of blind person with a hand fetish my little finger brushes against his hand, SUCCESS. and here comes the move, he lent across to me to talk, putting his hand on my leg in the process and as he leant back swept up my hand MY LORD IT WAS SKILLED.
so 'im happy.
he's happy.
it all looks good, at some point he properly puts his arm around me we have a little kiss at the end of the film and it's all so nice.
BUT THEN IT GETS BETTER.
this was all in december QUITE AWHILE AGO NOW, and as we walked out of the cinema with his arm around me the christmas fayre is still on and it's got all the pretty lights and it's heart meltingly lovely.
happy happy happy.

so there you go, the last bit of backstory and the rest you will just have to wait with baited breath to find out what's occurring! it's all very exciting.

obvious sarcasm there.

tragic.