Sorry but I really just wanted to post this for the sake, it'll be ranty, self indulgent, self pitying and self righteous, but I'm just going to do this, so...
Sorry in advance!
All I wanted to say is I feel sick.
Sick of myself.
I don't know what is wrong with me, on the outside I'm fine but on the inside I'm just so angry.
Im sick of people using me.
I'm sick of boys using me.
I'm sick of people expecting things of me.
I'm sick of not being good enough for anything.
I'm sick of the shitty weather.
I'm sick of lack of sleep.
I'm sick of comfort eating.
I'm sick of feeling different with the people I should feel closest with.
I'm sick of feeling shit.
I'm sick of.... Everything.
There I'm done, that's all I wanted to say, sorry its not funny or any of that shit, the next one I do will be I promise! :)
I just wanted to... II don't know... Get rid of it.
Tragic.
Saturday, 22 December 2012
Wednesday, 5 December 2012
Clingy, Benefits and Unsuitable Males PART ONE
HIYA EVERYONE! Right I know I haven't posted for awhile but I thought I'd post because I've had an EVENTFUL few weeks!
I had a really nice realisation the other week that anyone who is getting over a break up welcomes with open arms (and legs I suppose if you're a slut?) I could get a boyfriend if I wanted to. People DO find me attractive.
HONESTLY ITS THE BEST FEELING (I know this makes me sound MEGA arrogant but honestly it was the confidence boost I needed.)
HOWEVER, THIS REALISATION COMES FROM A STORY WHICH IS BOTH HIDEOUS AND HILARIOUS ALL AT ONCE.
Are you ready?
Here goes.
Two weeks ago I was invited to two 18th on the same weekend and I was pretty up for it and I have to say I fully utilised my flirting ability. I got with two guys (and by got with I mean kissed you dirty minded people!)
SO PARTY NUMBER ONE!
I'm looking nice, nice black tie event, lots of people I know, get gloriously drunk and genuinely just having a nice time. Get talking to a group of males and I can't remember how (thanks drunk brain) but I end up on my own talking to this guy Ben. I actually quite like him.
He seems nice.
He seems like a laugh.
He seems chatty.
WHAT HE DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT AT THIS MINUTE IS WEIRD.
I was so deceived.
So we are chatting and I think 'hey you know what I'm not a flirt retard, I might have been a little out of practise before but now I'm on fire!' (Look at that awful drunken cliche)
And I end up kissing him.
It's not great, all I can say is... Teeth. But tbh I was very drunk so I can't have been amazingly smooth myself.
Anyway, topic moves onto where we work, I mention that I work at a pub
What pub, he asks.
Oh it's in my village I say
When do you work, he asks
On Mondays and Fridays, I say
Ill come visit you, he says
IM SORRY WHAT. PARDON. REALLY. IS THAT A BIT WEIRD? YES IT IS.
you don't have to do that, I say
But I want to, he says give me your number
And is very forward and won't let it drop.
AWKIE PORKIES TO DA MAX.
so that's first weird moment of the evening.
Then he asks me to 'kiss on everything' like a weird kiss pact that I can't back out of, like the mafia.
Second weird moment.
Then I go get a drink and he follows me over to the bar.
Now I don't remember this but a friend was watching this all occurring from afar...
So obviously I was feeling a WEE bit uncomfortable and shuffled away from him, then like a snake his arm... Snakes. Back around my waist and draws me in like a... Snake.
So I'd been thinking 'Na I'm not into this, bit full on, ABORT ABORT ABORT'
So what do I do?
I HIDE IN THE TOILETS OF COURSE.
The safe haven of the club world.
Wait for awhile, there's a girl in there with vodka so I swig and we chat, and the more drunk I get the more arrogantly confident I get, IM NOT GOING TO LET SOME GUY SHUT ME IN THE LOO ALL EVENING, I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN, IM GOING OUT THERE, IM GOING TO DANCE. LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
So I rush out of the loos, into the dance floor BOOM TOWN.
I'm dancing its great, dancey, dancey, dance, and I think he leaves me alone... FOR AWHILE.
Then I can't remember where this bit comes in but somehow I'm with him again and were getting off, again, and he starts to bend me BACKWARDS.
So I'm pushing, no, STRUGGLING away saying 'I don't bend that way!'
AND HE SAYS...
'Oh you will'
PARDON. WHAT. EXCUSE ME. WAS THAT A LITTLE SEXIST. YES. YES IT WAS.
PLEASE GET ME AWAY.
And to top it all off, it gets late my taxi turns up, I'm not with him but I look at the exit and he's around there.
There is no way I'm leaving without him seeing.
Lets go say goodbye.
So I shuffle over to him, and force myself to say bye
We kiss again, and I think by this point I'm making it last as little time as possible, this is not fun.
'But that's not too bad, that's not too clingy or anything!' I hear you cry.
I HAVEN'T FINISHED.
so JUST as I'm about to get into the taxi and shut the door I hear a 'WAAAAAIT!'
A friend of mine who is in the taxi goes, I think it's for you
I turn around....
ITS BEN.
OH MY GOD.
I'VE SAID GOODBYE.
PLEASE LET ME GO HOME.
'Kiss me again, promise me you'll text me'
I'm at the end of the line.
I'm like a hamster that has been petted too many times and has that crazed look in its eye. I'm dangerous.
Bad move. Bad bad move.
NO!
I shout and shut the taxi door.
Thank fuck for that.
I pray my number isn't in his phone. I pray I don't have a hangover tomorrow. I pray that, like me he thinks its a one off thing.
Sadly I have no such luck.
Dreadfully hungover and with little kids running around screaming at my second job, I think about this, I've left my phone at home, I'm actually scared about what ill find when I get home.
And OH GOOD.
THERE'S A TEXT.
Now what do I do? GO OUT AND GET DRUNK AND MEET SOMEONE UNSUITABLE ALL OVER AGAIN.
Tragic.
I had a really nice realisation the other week that anyone who is getting over a break up welcomes with open arms (and legs I suppose if you're a slut?) I could get a boyfriend if I wanted to. People DO find me attractive.
HONESTLY ITS THE BEST FEELING (I know this makes me sound MEGA arrogant but honestly it was the confidence boost I needed.)
HOWEVER, THIS REALISATION COMES FROM A STORY WHICH IS BOTH HIDEOUS AND HILARIOUS ALL AT ONCE.
Are you ready?
Here goes.
Two weeks ago I was invited to two 18th on the same weekend and I was pretty up for it and I have to say I fully utilised my flirting ability. I got with two guys (and by got with I mean kissed you dirty minded people!)
SO PARTY NUMBER ONE!
I'm looking nice, nice black tie event, lots of people I know, get gloriously drunk and genuinely just having a nice time. Get talking to a group of males and I can't remember how (thanks drunk brain) but I end up on my own talking to this guy Ben. I actually quite like him.
He seems nice.
He seems like a laugh.
He seems chatty.
WHAT HE DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT AT THIS MINUTE IS WEIRD.
I was so deceived.
So we are chatting and I think 'hey you know what I'm not a flirt retard, I might have been a little out of practise before but now I'm on fire!' (Look at that awful drunken cliche)
And I end up kissing him.
It's not great, all I can say is... Teeth. But tbh I was very drunk so I can't have been amazingly smooth myself.
Anyway, topic moves onto where we work, I mention that I work at a pub
What pub, he asks.
Oh it's in my village I say
When do you work, he asks
On Mondays and Fridays, I say
Ill come visit you, he says
IM SORRY WHAT. PARDON. REALLY. IS THAT A BIT WEIRD? YES IT IS.
you don't have to do that, I say
But I want to, he says give me your number
And is very forward and won't let it drop.
AWKIE PORKIES TO DA MAX.
so that's first weird moment of the evening.
Then he asks me to 'kiss on everything' like a weird kiss pact that I can't back out of, like the mafia.
Second weird moment.
Then I go get a drink and he follows me over to the bar.
Now I don't remember this but a friend was watching this all occurring from afar...
So obviously I was feeling a WEE bit uncomfortable and shuffled away from him, then like a snake his arm... Snakes. Back around my waist and draws me in like a... Snake.
So I'd been thinking 'Na I'm not into this, bit full on, ABORT ABORT ABORT'
So what do I do?
I HIDE IN THE TOILETS OF COURSE.
The safe haven of the club world.
Wait for awhile, there's a girl in there with vodka so I swig and we chat, and the more drunk I get the more arrogantly confident I get, IM NOT GOING TO LET SOME GUY SHUT ME IN THE LOO ALL EVENING, I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN, IM GOING OUT THERE, IM GOING TO DANCE. LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
So I rush out of the loos, into the dance floor BOOM TOWN.
I'm dancing its great, dancey, dancey, dance, and I think he leaves me alone... FOR AWHILE.
Then I can't remember where this bit comes in but somehow I'm with him again and were getting off, again, and he starts to bend me BACKWARDS.
So I'm pushing, no, STRUGGLING away saying 'I don't bend that way!'
AND HE SAYS...
'Oh you will'
PARDON. WHAT. EXCUSE ME. WAS THAT A LITTLE SEXIST. YES. YES IT WAS.
PLEASE GET ME AWAY.
And to top it all off, it gets late my taxi turns up, I'm not with him but I look at the exit and he's around there.
There is no way I'm leaving without him seeing.
Lets go say goodbye.
So I shuffle over to him, and force myself to say bye
We kiss again, and I think by this point I'm making it last as little time as possible, this is not fun.
'But that's not too bad, that's not too clingy or anything!' I hear you cry.
I HAVEN'T FINISHED.
so JUST as I'm about to get into the taxi and shut the door I hear a 'WAAAAAIT!'
A friend of mine who is in the taxi goes, I think it's for you
I turn around....
ITS BEN.
OH MY GOD.
I'VE SAID GOODBYE.
PLEASE LET ME GO HOME.
'Kiss me again, promise me you'll text me'
I'm at the end of the line.
I'm like a hamster that has been petted too many times and has that crazed look in its eye. I'm dangerous.
Bad move. Bad bad move.
NO!
I shout and shut the taxi door.
Thank fuck for that.
I pray my number isn't in his phone. I pray I don't have a hangover tomorrow. I pray that, like me he thinks its a one off thing.
Sadly I have no such luck.
Dreadfully hungover and with little kids running around screaming at my second job, I think about this, I've left my phone at home, I'm actually scared about what ill find when I get home.
And OH GOOD.
THERE'S A TEXT.
Now what do I do? GO OUT AND GET DRUNK AND MEET SOMEONE UNSUITABLE ALL OVER AGAIN.
Tragic.
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Resolutions, Hangovers and Growing Up
Today I woke up with a hangover.
A TERRIBLE hangover.
So I'm lying in my warm, comfy bed thinking about how much I enjoyed myself last night.
Then I had a moment that everyone has at least once in their lives
I can't believe I did that last night.
And the thing is I really can't.
Now you're probably wondering what I did and I will tell you.
After all the other nights I've had out since at this one I cried. AGAIN.
I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
I feel like an absolute tool.
What's worse is I can't remember large chunks of it, how long it went on for, how it started, NOTHING! And that is so much worse because I have no idea who to apologise to! I don't know what I said and how bad it was...
(Let me just say if anyone is reading this that encountered me during that period of time let me just say I apologise)
And the thing is I know it was the alcohol.
I'm fine sober, I'm happy with singleness and I enjoy my life. My friends and fam are great and everything is pretty good at the moment.
SO I AM RESOLVED.
I will no longer drink excessively and I have thought of MANY reasons whilst curled up in bed CRINGING over last night...
You remember things when you're less drunk.
You're happier when you're less drunk.
You don't make a fool of yourself when you're less drunk.
You also don't get hangovers when you're less drunk.
So I WILL NOW BE LESS DRUNK AND MORE SOPHISTICATED FOREVER
In this month and a half I've made a fool of myself more than enough to know that this is a good move for me, I've had two rebounds, hot rebounds but meaningless rebounds nevertheless. They didn't make me feel any better in the long run. It's made me realise I actually don't want any sort of relationship thing at the moment until I meet someone I actually really like.
So it's the first of November and the first day of less drunk me. I'll let you know how it goes...
Now I'm going to take a painkiller, have a glass of water and have my driving lesson.
I think I might still be drunk.
Stay off the road.
Tragic.
A TERRIBLE hangover.
So I'm lying in my warm, comfy bed thinking about how much I enjoyed myself last night.
Then I had a moment that everyone has at least once in their lives
I can't believe I did that last night.
And the thing is I really can't.
Now you're probably wondering what I did and I will tell you.
After all the other nights I've had out since at this one I cried. AGAIN.
I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!
I feel like an absolute tool.
What's worse is I can't remember large chunks of it, how long it went on for, how it started, NOTHING! And that is so much worse because I have no idea who to apologise to! I don't know what I said and how bad it was...
(Let me just say if anyone is reading this that encountered me during that period of time let me just say I apologise)
And the thing is I know it was the alcohol.
I'm fine sober, I'm happy with singleness and I enjoy my life. My friends and fam are great and everything is pretty good at the moment.
SO I AM RESOLVED.
I will no longer drink excessively and I have thought of MANY reasons whilst curled up in bed CRINGING over last night...
You remember things when you're less drunk.
You're happier when you're less drunk.
You don't make a fool of yourself when you're less drunk.
You also don't get hangovers when you're less drunk.
So I WILL NOW BE LESS DRUNK AND MORE SOPHISTICATED FOREVER
In this month and a half I've made a fool of myself more than enough to know that this is a good move for me, I've had two rebounds, hot rebounds but meaningless rebounds nevertheless. They didn't make me feel any better in the long run. It's made me realise I actually don't want any sort of relationship thing at the moment until I meet someone I actually really like.
So it's the first of November and the first day of less drunk me. I'll let you know how it goes...
Now I'm going to take a painkiller, have a glass of water and have my driving lesson.
I think I might still be drunk.
Stay off the road.
Tragic.
Thursday, 11 October 2012
Next Steps, Looking Forward and Unexpected Excitement
Hellllllooooooooooo!
Not really sure how long this post will be today I think I want to splurge.
Basically what I wanted to say is that its been a week and actually I feel really good about myself, school work... Not so much but that's not the important bit is it?
But yes I'm cautiously positive about my life, school is stressful, work is stressful yet I feel fine! WHAT'S GOING ON!? I DON'T WANT TO RIP MY EYEBALLS OUT AND FEED THEM TO MY CAT!
But yeah anyway, I took the next step at the weekend. The inevitable first meet up with your mural friends after breaking up. It was a friends 19th. And it was so much fun. HOWEVER, I hit the place most recently singletons hit when they let the alcoholic fluid touch they're lips. I cried. THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE I CRIED. And it was horrible and embarrassing and I'm not sure whether I snotted anywhere because I was that drunk, I don't think I did, then again... NO IT'S OKAY.
It was actually really nice, I was allowed to show everyone how crap I was feeling and not bottle it up like I've been doing for weeks, I saw how much they all cared and I could just GET RID OF IT ALL.
This guys mum made me a tea and the birthday boy gave me a jumper and everyone made sure I was okay.
Obviously I don't want to make a thing of this but I just felt so LOVED at that moment in time. Everything isn't shit!
But that's it. NO MORE. I WILL BE A RADIANT GODDESS AND IM MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE. I'm very happy.
I've got lots of things planned, (meaning more blog posts :)) ) focusing on getting into Uni and chilling with my friends.
I've realised I've also realised I've got my humour back! I hadn't realised that my relationship had sucked the fun out of me.
CHAT TO YA LATER GANG.
there's no gang....
Tragic.
Not really sure how long this post will be today I think I want to splurge.
Basically what I wanted to say is that its been a week and actually I feel really good about myself, school work... Not so much but that's not the important bit is it?
But yes I'm cautiously positive about my life, school is stressful, work is stressful yet I feel fine! WHAT'S GOING ON!? I DON'T WANT TO RIP MY EYEBALLS OUT AND FEED THEM TO MY CAT!
But yeah anyway, I took the next step at the weekend. The inevitable first meet up with your mural friends after breaking up. It was a friends 19th. And it was so much fun. HOWEVER, I hit the place most recently singletons hit when they let the alcoholic fluid touch they're lips. I cried. THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE I CRIED. And it was horrible and embarrassing and I'm not sure whether I snotted anywhere because I was that drunk, I don't think I did, then again... NO IT'S OKAY.
It was actually really nice, I was allowed to show everyone how crap I was feeling and not bottle it up like I've been doing for weeks, I saw how much they all cared and I could just GET RID OF IT ALL.
This guys mum made me a tea and the birthday boy gave me a jumper and everyone made sure I was okay.
Obviously I don't want to make a thing of this but I just felt so LOVED at that moment in time. Everything isn't shit!
But that's it. NO MORE. I WILL BE A RADIANT GODDESS AND IM MOVING ON WITH MY LIFE. I'm very happy.
I've got lots of things planned, (meaning more blog posts :)) ) focusing on getting into Uni and chilling with my friends.
I've realised I've also realised I've got my humour back! I hadn't realised that my relationship had sucked the fun out of me.
CHAT TO YA LATER GANG.
there's no gang....
Tragic.
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
Changing, Ranting and Moving On
Well hello there people of the Internet how are you doing this evening?
Me? Well I'm pretty shitty but its getting better. I don't want to dwell too long as I've got stuff to talk about with ya'll but last week Graham dumped me, yes I know how could anyone want to split up with anyone as amazing as me.
But I digress...
Anyway it got me thinking about what I really want out of a relationship, I mean I'm still firmly in the feel rubbish about myself stage (and as much as people hate to admit it just coming out of the PLEASE COME BACK TO ME stage, hey don't deny it we're all friends here) but I've slowly come to realise that actually our relationship wasn't as perfect as I thought it was I'm just one of those people who are incredibly optimistic when it comes human relations, I always assume there will be the end to the bad times, or the awkward times, or whatever.
Clearly graham never thought this and I will be posting two things to you today readers, one being my lovely ranty message I sent to my friends after the incident occurred, the other beings my list on why i am better off without him, oh you're in for a TREAT!
I will start off by telling you how and why we broke up, so I'd been feeling pretty bad over the week he'd been at Uni thinking it was just me missing him and thinking he felt the same BUT OH NO. NO NO NO READER I WAS SADLY MISTAKE. LIKE A CHILD STARING AT AN ANT THINKING IF THEY STARED AT IT LONG ENOUGH IT MAY OR MAY NOT EXPLODE. Odd analogy I realise but hey we'll roll with it and hopefully you'll get the gist anyway the message:
i've broken up with graham (obviously in the post I used his real name, I'm not inept) today because he was coming home tomorrow and 'needed to speak to me face to face, sorry' which obviously told me what was going to happen. he was like 'im tearing up just thinking about it im so sorry, ive got to go now' then buggered off after putting xox which fucked me off some extent!
so i sent him a text asking if he was breaking it off and he said yes. so then i though fuck this im not waiting 24 hours and a bus ride just to be dumped thats not happening. so i phoned him up saying that and we talked for a bit, he cried. i didnt. which actually i found surprising.
he was like ive just got here and ive been miserable and i cant do this yada yada yada
and i was like well we said we'd see how it went and when one of us didnt want to do it anymore we'd stop its fine etc etc
then he got annoyed that i was so cool about all of this, i was actually being a bit mean, i basically said i didnt want him to come down because it was going to make me feel better either way and tbh you're only coming down to make yourself feel better and feel less of a dick. i told him several times that for some reason i wasnt upset which also annoyed him.
i said i didnt regret it and he said he didnt either, but at least he had time to realise he didnt love me as much whereas i still love/d himBasically I was like I thought it wasn't going that bad and he was like ice felt like its been bad for awhile and I said I thought my birthday weekend went well but he didn't agree. He said there were things about me which were starting to pissing him off then I was like WOAH THERE I don't want to know what they are and stop before you offend me and I get angry. It makes me laigh because when he said I pissed him off he was all grizzly and crying. Then he was like do you want to be friends. And I though about it for awhile and said yes but I need some time and I'm not going to be the one that starts the conversation again, you can text me message me whatever. I said this because I don't want the responsibility. Then he was like okay so I might contact you in a couple of days weeks or something and I was just like yeah bye. Basically I think he dumped me because he's having a shit time at freshers and thought without missing me he'd have a better time
Is what I thought, though I've come to the conclusion that actually he just wasn't that into me and used me for the last week before he went away as emotional support before he buggered off in the full knowledge he wasn't going to try to make it last.
WELL I SAY FUCK HIM.
Yes I do want to be friend because we have so many memories together however he hasn't contacted me so I don't really know if that will happen at all, knowing him probably not.
Also I've realise I'm sick of people giving him the good guy treatment when actually he is a bit of a nob. I deserve better and you know what! I am a STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO IS GOING TO FIND BETTER
QUE LIST OF REASONS ABOUT WHY IM BETTER OFF
(I'd like to add in as a bit of side fun that I did not write all of this reasons, some are petty, and some are rude but come on I'm a recently dumped single girl of course I'm going to get bitchy.)
I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND TO AVOID AGRO I'VE CUT THE LIST TO THE ACCEPTABLE THINGS!
1) he never made any effort after awhile
2) never texted or really joked in texts
3) bit awkward
4) not affectionate around others!!!!
And not even others sometimes just us two
5) grumpy at reading
8) lived ages away
11) weird about being a couple
London trip
Tenting at reading
14) romantic once
16) bottled emotions
20) always compared himself to that bloke
21)put me down A LOT
22) stupid snap back
24) need to focus on my work
25) he's now at Uni
26) took him forever to make a move
27) never seemed interested in my life and my goals
30) when I was ill making me sleep in the other room
32) BIRTHDAY PRESENT
33) didn't like drinking
34) didn't even try about Uni
35) fvnbjrnbjribjrbenclseksjewbvurleiwoqheb
39) not as sociable as me
40) feel like he blamed me for everything
41) negative and sometimes self pitying
44) B is prettier get on him ;)
And there you have it my list, make of it what you will, you all know you've made this list at least mentally at least once in your life so don't lie!
There were more things that come and go in my head but hey I think the list is pretty extensive as it is!
I mean this might seem like I hate him which I don't, I mean I really don't I'd love to stay friends with him as we do get along really well and I mean I've had very strong resolve not to phone him up crying begging for him to take me back, but I made the list to reassure myself in my down days (in which i have had numerous) that if he thought he was Mr Bloody Perfect he was very much mistaken.
There might have been things annoying him about me but ITS A TWO WAY STREET BITCHES.
So now I am resolved to be happy and single and ENJOY MYSELF AND FIND SOMEONE WHO TREATS ME LIKE HE ACTUALLY WANTS TO BE WITH ME!
How?
Well I find bettering yourself a good first step
You may recall last break up I learnt the ukulele
Well this time I decided to make a statement and got more ear piercings something I know he would have disliked when we were going out.
And I tell you what, it's a little bit liberating! It means when I inevitably see him at Christmas at least one thing about me would have moved on (in hoping more than that by then though!) but for now im contented with my piercings and a start of a new... Something though I haven't quite worked out what that will be, though it now gives me the chance to GET ON DA PROWL AGAIN its also a chance for alot more blog posts!
Basically I've now set this up as a bit of a business so all my posts will be more regular and hopefully I'll be trying to attract more of a crowd, if it doesn't work oh well, this blog is therapeutic for me and if it makes a few people chuckle where's the harm in that?
I'm sorry that this post was rant filled and not particularly funny (I promise the next ones will be :) ), and it's probably riddled with mistakes but in tired and I want to sleep, at least my bed still loves me.
I don't regret what I had with him, yes I kinda wish I still had what we had, I have some amazing memories with him but slowly I'm coming to the conclusion that I need someone who makes me happy all of the time :)
in the words of Bridget Jones: I have two choices: to give up and accept permanent state of spinsterhood and eventual eating by alsatians, or not. And this time I choose not.... Instead, I choose vodka.
Tragic.
Me? Well I'm pretty shitty but its getting better. I don't want to dwell too long as I've got stuff to talk about with ya'll but last week Graham dumped me, yes I know how could anyone want to split up with anyone as amazing as me.
But I digress...
Anyway it got me thinking about what I really want out of a relationship, I mean I'm still firmly in the feel rubbish about myself stage (and as much as people hate to admit it just coming out of the PLEASE COME BACK TO ME stage, hey don't deny it we're all friends here) but I've slowly come to realise that actually our relationship wasn't as perfect as I thought it was I'm just one of those people who are incredibly optimistic when it comes human relations, I always assume there will be the end to the bad times, or the awkward times, or whatever.
Clearly graham never thought this and I will be posting two things to you today readers, one being my lovely ranty message I sent to my friends after the incident occurred, the other beings my list on why i am better off without him, oh you're in for a TREAT!
I will start off by telling you how and why we broke up, so I'd been feeling pretty bad over the week he'd been at Uni thinking it was just me missing him and thinking he felt the same BUT OH NO. NO NO NO READER I WAS SADLY MISTAKE. LIKE A CHILD STARING AT AN ANT THINKING IF THEY STARED AT IT LONG ENOUGH IT MAY OR MAY NOT EXPLODE. Odd analogy I realise but hey we'll roll with it and hopefully you'll get the gist anyway the message:
i've broken up with graham (obviously in the post I used his real name, I'm not inept) today because he was coming home tomorrow and 'needed to speak to me face to face, sorry' which obviously told me what was going to happen. he was like 'im tearing up just thinking about it im so sorry, ive got to go now' then buggered off after putting xox which fucked me off some extent!
so i sent him a text asking if he was breaking it off and he said yes. so then i though fuck this im not waiting 24 hours and a bus ride just to be dumped thats not happening. so i phoned him up saying that and we talked for a bit, he cried. i didnt. which actually i found surprising.
he was like ive just got here and ive been miserable and i cant do this yada yada yada
and i was like well we said we'd see how it went and when one of us didnt want to do it anymore we'd stop its fine etc etc
then he got annoyed that i was so cool about all of this, i was actually being a bit mean, i basically said i didnt want him to come down because it was going to make me feel better either way and tbh you're only coming down to make yourself feel better and feel less of a dick. i told him several times that for some reason i wasnt upset which also annoyed him.
i said i didnt regret it and he said he didnt either, but at least he had time to realise he didnt love me as much whereas i still love/d himBasically I was like I thought it wasn't going that bad and he was like ice felt like its been bad for awhile and I said I thought my birthday weekend went well but he didn't agree. He said there were things about me which were starting to pissing him off then I was like WOAH THERE I don't want to know what they are and stop before you offend me and I get angry. It makes me laigh because when he said I pissed him off he was all grizzly and crying. Then he was like do you want to be friends. And I though about it for awhile and said yes but I need some time and I'm not going to be the one that starts the conversation again, you can text me message me whatever. I said this because I don't want the responsibility. Then he was like okay so I might contact you in a couple of days weeks or something and I was just like yeah bye. Basically I think he dumped me because he's having a shit time at freshers and thought without missing me he'd have a better time
Is what I thought, though I've come to the conclusion that actually he just wasn't that into me and used me for the last week before he went away as emotional support before he buggered off in the full knowledge he wasn't going to try to make it last.
WELL I SAY FUCK HIM.
Yes I do want to be friend because we have so many memories together however he hasn't contacted me so I don't really know if that will happen at all, knowing him probably not.
Also I've realise I'm sick of people giving him the good guy treatment when actually he is a bit of a nob. I deserve better and you know what! I am a STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO IS GOING TO FIND BETTER
QUE LIST OF REASONS ABOUT WHY IM BETTER OFF
(I'd like to add in as a bit of side fun that I did not write all of this reasons, some are petty, and some are rude but come on I'm a recently dumped single girl of course I'm going to get bitchy.)
I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND TO AVOID AGRO I'VE CUT THE LIST TO THE ACCEPTABLE THINGS!
1) he never made any effort after awhile
2) never texted or really joked in texts
3) bit awkward
4) not affectionate around others!!!!
And not even others sometimes just us two
5) grumpy at reading
8) lived ages away
11) weird about being a couple
London trip
Tenting at reading
14) romantic once
16) bottled emotions
20) always compared himself to that bloke
21)put me down A LOT
22) stupid snap back
24) need to focus on my work
25) he's now at Uni
26) took him forever to make a move
27) never seemed interested in my life and my goals
30) when I was ill making me sleep in the other room
32) BIRTHDAY PRESENT
33) didn't like drinking
34) didn't even try about Uni
35) fvnbjrnbjribjrbenclseksjewbvurleiwoqheb
39) not as sociable as me
40) feel like he blamed me for everything
41) negative and sometimes self pitying
44) B is prettier get on him ;)
And there you have it my list, make of it what you will, you all know you've made this list at least mentally at least once in your life so don't lie!
There were more things that come and go in my head but hey I think the list is pretty extensive as it is!
I mean this might seem like I hate him which I don't, I mean I really don't I'd love to stay friends with him as we do get along really well and I mean I've had very strong resolve not to phone him up crying begging for him to take me back, but I made the list to reassure myself in my down days (in which i have had numerous) that if he thought he was Mr Bloody Perfect he was very much mistaken.
There might have been things annoying him about me but ITS A TWO WAY STREET BITCHES.
So now I am resolved to be happy and single and ENJOY MYSELF AND FIND SOMEONE WHO TREATS ME LIKE HE ACTUALLY WANTS TO BE WITH ME!
How?
Well I find bettering yourself a good first step
You may recall last break up I learnt the ukulele
Well this time I decided to make a statement and got more ear piercings something I know he would have disliked when we were going out.
And I tell you what, it's a little bit liberating! It means when I inevitably see him at Christmas at least one thing about me would have moved on (in hoping more than that by then though!) but for now im contented with my piercings and a start of a new... Something though I haven't quite worked out what that will be, though it now gives me the chance to GET ON DA PROWL AGAIN its also a chance for alot more blog posts!
Basically I've now set this up as a bit of a business so all my posts will be more regular and hopefully I'll be trying to attract more of a crowd, if it doesn't work oh well, this blog is therapeutic for me and if it makes a few people chuckle where's the harm in that?
I'm sorry that this post was rant filled and not particularly funny (I promise the next ones will be :) ), and it's probably riddled with mistakes but in tired and I want to sleep, at least my bed still loves me.
I don't regret what I had with him, yes I kinda wish I still had what we had, I have some amazing memories with him but slowly I'm coming to the conclusion that I need someone who makes me happy all of the time :)
in the words of Bridget Jones: I have two choices: to give up and accept permanent state of spinsterhood and eventual eating by alsatians, or not. And this time I choose not.... Instead, I choose vodka.
Tragic.
Thursday, 21 June 2012
Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say.
i don't know how i feel today.
actually i do.
annoyed.
well it isnt even annoyed it's, MILD annoyance.
which is even more annoying because it's not even PROPER annoyance.
i'm bored and annoyed.
it's all because of graham, because i was supposed to go out today, as arranged. you know those things? arrangements? one person speaks to another person via vocal tones, or social network sites or telecommunications devices in which the two people involved come to a mutual agreement that they will meet on a designated time and/or place?
well yeah we had one of those
OR SO I THOUGHT, but apparently it was never arranged even though i remember him saying it when i saw him on monday! shgwertdw <- annoyance fit
basically i can't remember if i said or not but he is going away on wednesday FOR A WHOLE MONTH, annoyance number one but can't do anything about it so that's just being left, it's when everything else is added onto it which makes that annoyance MORE annoying.
so obviously any normal couple would want to spend alot of time together before he leaves, considering now exams are over?
well APPARENTLY we arent a normal couple because that's not happening, and i know that im seeing him the whole weekend and i should just man up or whatever, but the moaning isn't actually nasty, because it's because i WANT to see him not because i don't which is nice isnt it? so surely it means that my annoyance is actually nice annoyance, and not nasty annoyance so surely im allowed to moan because its moaning out of love and not out of hate... i'm lost too, i have no idea what i just said.
anyway, another annoying thing is what i got ditched for....
you want to know?
you REALLY want to know?
computer games.
a night full of computer games.
which i wouldnt mind.... IF HE WASNT GOING AWAY ON WEDNESDAY. seeing how everything links?! oh my first world pains type of life.
it wouldnt have taken the whole evening! i just wanted a nice meal, a little chat, a relaxing thursday, does a girl ask for too much?!
probably.
BUT THAT ISNT THE MOST ANNOYING THING OUT OF THE WHOLE MILDLY ANNOYING SITUATION (oh i know you didn't think i would turn this tiny thing into an even bigger thing, but you forget im a drama student, SO EVERYTHING IS A BIG DEAL)
BASICALLY HE MADE ME MAKE THE DECISION NOT TO SEE HIM EVENTHOUGH HE CLEARLY HAD NO INTENTION OF SEEING ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. swuthwuofw <- second annoyance fit
and this all happened over text
so there was the first annoyance: forgetting we were going to meet up
then the second annoyance: being ditched for an inanimate object
then the third annoyance came very quickly after, and i'll lay it down for you as how i read it...
Him: oh were doing something after school? i was unaware. what did we say was happening?"
okay here, is the first thing, forgetting, which is annoying but the asking what we arranged was more annoying because we have NEVER planned what we were going to do in town really, we just get there then decide.
Me: "we didn't really decide, if you'd rather go home i have no preference really"
what i really meant: i would like to meet up with you but if you want to go home just say now and stop dragging this out like a bad tv soap
Him: "yeah i dont know, i was planning on playing computer games deep into the night but IF you want to do something we can. it's up to you"
what he actually means: i want to go home but i'm not going to tell you and going to end up making you look needy and worry that you'd dragged me out when i dont want to be there
Me: "nooo it's your last day so you get to decide! all i was thinking of was grabbing food but i wont get out at around your exam finishes and you probably dont want to wait to leave so we can just leave it"
what i really meant: i'm not going to force us to go out because you clearly dont want to, but i want you to want to, but actually i can't be bothered to seem needy so i'll just add an edge to my text and see if you pick up on it....
Him: "if you say so..."
really?
REALLY?
i mean seriously.
that just sounds like you now did want to see me, but now ive turned it down so now i feel annoyed that ive turned it down, but more annoyed that you never told me a preference and now i'm annoyed and confused about what you wanted in the first place!
BLOODY SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!
i might get annoyed....
BUT NOT AS ANNOYED AS I AM NOW.
grrrr.
i'm not going to read this back as i know it makes me sound like a crazy person, but it's times like this i love my blog, all aboard to vent city...
tragic.
actually i do.
annoyed.
well it isnt even annoyed it's, MILD annoyance.
which is even more annoying because it's not even PROPER annoyance.
i'm bored and annoyed.
it's all because of graham, because i was supposed to go out today, as arranged. you know those things? arrangements? one person speaks to another person via vocal tones, or social network sites or telecommunications devices in which the two people involved come to a mutual agreement that they will meet on a designated time and/or place?
well yeah we had one of those
OR SO I THOUGHT, but apparently it was never arranged even though i remember him saying it when i saw him on monday! shgwertdw <- annoyance fit
basically i can't remember if i said or not but he is going away on wednesday FOR A WHOLE MONTH, annoyance number one but can't do anything about it so that's just being left, it's when everything else is added onto it which makes that annoyance MORE annoying.
so obviously any normal couple would want to spend alot of time together before he leaves, considering now exams are over?
well APPARENTLY we arent a normal couple because that's not happening, and i know that im seeing him the whole weekend and i should just man up or whatever, but the moaning isn't actually nasty, because it's because i WANT to see him not because i don't which is nice isnt it? so surely it means that my annoyance is actually nice annoyance, and not nasty annoyance so surely im allowed to moan because its moaning out of love and not out of hate... i'm lost too, i have no idea what i just said.
anyway, another annoying thing is what i got ditched for....
you want to know?
you REALLY want to know?
computer games.
a night full of computer games.
which i wouldnt mind.... IF HE WASNT GOING AWAY ON WEDNESDAY. seeing how everything links?! oh my first world pains type of life.
it wouldnt have taken the whole evening! i just wanted a nice meal, a little chat, a relaxing thursday, does a girl ask for too much?!
probably.
BUT THAT ISNT THE MOST ANNOYING THING OUT OF THE WHOLE MILDLY ANNOYING SITUATION (oh i know you didn't think i would turn this tiny thing into an even bigger thing, but you forget im a drama student, SO EVERYTHING IS A BIG DEAL)
BASICALLY HE MADE ME MAKE THE DECISION NOT TO SEE HIM EVENTHOUGH HE CLEARLY HAD NO INTENTION OF SEEING ME IN THE FIRST PLACE. swuthwuofw <- second annoyance fit
and this all happened over text
so there was the first annoyance: forgetting we were going to meet up
then the second annoyance: being ditched for an inanimate object
then the third annoyance came very quickly after, and i'll lay it down for you as how i read it...
Him: oh were doing something after school? i was unaware. what did we say was happening?"
okay here, is the first thing, forgetting, which is annoying but the asking what we arranged was more annoying because we have NEVER planned what we were going to do in town really, we just get there then decide.
Me: "we didn't really decide, if you'd rather go home i have no preference really"
what i really meant: i would like to meet up with you but if you want to go home just say now and stop dragging this out like a bad tv soap
Him: "yeah i dont know, i was planning on playing computer games deep into the night but IF you want to do something we can. it's up to you"
what he actually means: i want to go home but i'm not going to tell you and going to end up making you look needy and worry that you'd dragged me out when i dont want to be there
Me: "nooo it's your last day so you get to decide! all i was thinking of was grabbing food but i wont get out at around your exam finishes and you probably dont want to wait to leave so we can just leave it"
what i really meant: i'm not going to force us to go out because you clearly dont want to, but i want you to want to, but actually i can't be bothered to seem needy so i'll just add an edge to my text and see if you pick up on it....
Him: "if you say so..."
really?
REALLY?
i mean seriously.
that just sounds like you now did want to see me, but now ive turned it down so now i feel annoyed that ive turned it down, but more annoyed that you never told me a preference and now i'm annoyed and confused about what you wanted in the first place!
BLOODY SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!
i might get annoyed....
BUT NOT AS ANNOYED AS I AM NOW.
grrrr.
i'm not going to read this back as i know it makes me sound like a crazy person, but it's times like this i love my blog, all aboard to vent city...
tragic.
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
Annoyance, Jealousy, And Avoiding Revision
As you can see from the title of this post I am expertly avoiding revision like every other student in the country but i've come here to moan.
the thing is i feel like this blog isnt completely private anymore, especially when it comes the bad points of my love life, i mean now that graham knows about this blog and although he promised he wouldn't read it again i still can't get rid of that pain in the arse feeling that me ranting my feelings when he pisses me off would be a good idea. same with what friends say about my love life, i do want to explain stuff on here but i'm not allowed to as it would probably be seen as bitching and i definitely don't need ANYMORE stress in my life...
but fuck it.
from now on i'm just going to say whatever i damn well please, FIGHT DA POWER!
anyone who reads this please don't be offended i suppose i'm just splurging...
anyway what i think i want to speak about today is jealousy, it's terrible but i've been seeing that awful green eyed monster or goblin or pixie or whatever the hell it is and many of you out there will know that once you feel jealous it is VERY HARD to stop being jealous.
and this puts my love life into question... note here that i know i'm just being INCREDIBLY NEEDY and ridiculous....
okay, me and graham have never been very 'pda' and i suppose that's never been a problem as when we're alone in public (just realised that doesn't make ANY sense but i mean without friends of whatevz) we can be hand holdy, peck every so often and that is A OKAY in my opinion, you know i'm down with that.
but the problem started to arise once i realised why i no longer enjoy going for a night out with friends and graham....
it's because i can compare
never compare
just dont
now in our extended friendship groups there are many couples and these couples i feel have just the right amount of pda, it's the same amount me and graham have when we go out together alone.
the thing is... when we go out with friends i get nothing. zilch. nada. nout.
and i thought i could deal with it
but i cant
im too paranoid
it's awful
the thing is from my experience of guys i have become incredibly cautious of backing off when i think a guy is turning off me, and even though i've been in a relationship for around half a year now i STILL feel like this... i think i'm definitely broken
THIS ISNT NORMAL
BUT IT HAPPENS.
therefore as horribly clingy as this sounds i need little reminders every so often that he isn't going to just turn around and dump me and at these parties do the exact opposite. so all the couple friends are all loved up and i just look at them and think
I WANT THAT!
i mean there are some limpet couples who never detach from each other and i'm not saying i want that, i definitely don't want that, i just want a comfortable middle in which when we going out hang out go off with other friends then meet up again or whatever just i don't feel so incredibly single!
the thing is you're probably sitting there thinking 'oh no you're over exaggerating' no no, one time we went to a party and the first kiss i got was when i was LEAVING. WE'D BEEN THERE FOR 5 HOURS. and another time we went out for a group meal and some couples were there so i had to watch them all together, and i sat there, feeling single. again, no kiss. and there isn't really a problem because everything else is so good but this one little thing would make things PERFECT plz
also the other thing that bugs me is that he can be so rude without meaning to be, and because he doesnt mean to be he doesn't realise, so nothing changes! and i think it's just me being touchy but it really worries me, because sometimes it gets to the point where i'm thinking 'well do i want this anymore? am i actually happy?' then i realise this is me doing the whole distancing thing again because somewhere in my brain i'm telling myself he doesn't like me anymore AND THE WHOLE RIDICULOUS CYCLE STARTS AGAIN were i feel shit, over analyse, and then feel shit again.
i think another thing that is making this worse is the whole uni thing, although at the moment he thought about it and decided he wanted to stay with me when he left but there's this teeny tiny little feeling that i don't believe him and me thinking its not going to work (which is stupid because we haven't got there/given it a go, we will just both have to make more effort which is think leads to my worry) which leads the the over analysing, which leads to the jealousy, which then leads to the worry, which then leads to everything else etc etc...
i think i just need a cuddle.
or a slap.
and i can't really speak to my friends about this because i moan too much about this all and they all already have questionable opinions on graham, so looks like i'm going to have to deal with this myself.
there isn't really anything to deal with really...
apart from gatsby.
i need to deal with him now.
i hate revision...
tragic.
the thing is i feel like this blog isnt completely private anymore, especially when it comes the bad points of my love life, i mean now that graham knows about this blog and although he promised he wouldn't read it again i still can't get rid of that pain in the arse feeling that me ranting my feelings when he pisses me off would be a good idea. same with what friends say about my love life, i do want to explain stuff on here but i'm not allowed to as it would probably be seen as bitching and i definitely don't need ANYMORE stress in my life...
but fuck it.
from now on i'm just going to say whatever i damn well please, FIGHT DA POWER!
anyone who reads this please don't be offended i suppose i'm just splurging...
anyway what i think i want to speak about today is jealousy, it's terrible but i've been seeing that awful green eyed monster or goblin or pixie or whatever the hell it is and many of you out there will know that once you feel jealous it is VERY HARD to stop being jealous.
and this puts my love life into question... note here that i know i'm just being INCREDIBLY NEEDY and ridiculous....
okay, me and graham have never been very 'pda' and i suppose that's never been a problem as when we're alone in public (just realised that doesn't make ANY sense but i mean without friends of whatevz) we can be hand holdy, peck every so often and that is A OKAY in my opinion, you know i'm down with that.
but the problem started to arise once i realised why i no longer enjoy going for a night out with friends and graham....
it's because i can compare
never compare
just dont
now in our extended friendship groups there are many couples and these couples i feel have just the right amount of pda, it's the same amount me and graham have when we go out together alone.
the thing is... when we go out with friends i get nothing. zilch. nada. nout.
and i thought i could deal with it
but i cant
im too paranoid
it's awful
the thing is from my experience of guys i have become incredibly cautious of backing off when i think a guy is turning off me, and even though i've been in a relationship for around half a year now i STILL feel like this... i think i'm definitely broken
THIS ISNT NORMAL
BUT IT HAPPENS.
therefore as horribly clingy as this sounds i need little reminders every so often that he isn't going to just turn around and dump me and at these parties do the exact opposite. so all the couple friends are all loved up and i just look at them and think
I WANT THAT!
i mean there are some limpet couples who never detach from each other and i'm not saying i want that, i definitely don't want that, i just want a comfortable middle in which when we going out hang out go off with other friends then meet up again or whatever just i don't feel so incredibly single!
the thing is you're probably sitting there thinking 'oh no you're over exaggerating' no no, one time we went to a party and the first kiss i got was when i was LEAVING. WE'D BEEN THERE FOR 5 HOURS. and another time we went out for a group meal and some couples were there so i had to watch them all together, and i sat there, feeling single. again, no kiss. and there isn't really a problem because everything else is so good but this one little thing would make things PERFECT plz
also the other thing that bugs me is that he can be so rude without meaning to be, and because he doesnt mean to be he doesn't realise, so nothing changes! and i think it's just me being touchy but it really worries me, because sometimes it gets to the point where i'm thinking 'well do i want this anymore? am i actually happy?' then i realise this is me doing the whole distancing thing again because somewhere in my brain i'm telling myself he doesn't like me anymore AND THE WHOLE RIDICULOUS CYCLE STARTS AGAIN were i feel shit, over analyse, and then feel shit again.
i think another thing that is making this worse is the whole uni thing, although at the moment he thought about it and decided he wanted to stay with me when he left but there's this teeny tiny little feeling that i don't believe him and me thinking its not going to work (which is stupid because we haven't got there/given it a go, we will just both have to make more effort which is think leads to my worry) which leads the the over analysing, which leads to the jealousy, which then leads to the worry, which then leads to everything else etc etc...
i think i just need a cuddle.
or a slap.
and i can't really speak to my friends about this because i moan too much about this all and they all already have questionable opinions on graham, so looks like i'm going to have to deal with this myself.
there isn't really anything to deal with really...
apart from gatsby.
i need to deal with him now.
i hate revision...
tragic.
Sunday, 13 May 2012
A Very Very Long Time.
WELL HEY THERE EVERYONE. (meaning no one because i haven't posted in such a long time that NO ONE will be reading!)
IM BACK.
basically things have gone hectic with exams and the such like and i haven't really had time or the inclination to blog but i think IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE (also i'm sick of revising).
basically, things with me and graham are going good, really good actually, obviously it's been months now so i don't think i will fill you in on every little detail but i will give you a quick run down on stuff. it's been around half a year, we didn't spend christmas together, or valentines day but he did make up for it by making the cutest meal with little presents for me, must have been maybe 3 months ago now? we went on holiday with my fam in easter which was so nice and in general although sometimes we are a bit shaking i feel very very lucky. the bad bit is that in a few months he goes to uni and although we've kinda talked about it i still don't really know what's going to happen with all of that but i tend not to think about it too much.
annnnnywwwaaaay
here is how everything is going to go down from now on, basically as its been a long time i thought i wouldnt bore you with catching up with everything so im going to start blogging now and every so often you might get a nugget from the past if it's relevant/i have nothing to post so i just gush...
also what is below is something i wrote in january but for some reason i didn't post, no idea why.
well haii guys! how's it going?
tragic.
IM BACK.
basically things have gone hectic with exams and the such like and i haven't really had time or the inclination to blog but i think IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE (also i'm sick of revising).
basically, things with me and graham are going good, really good actually, obviously it's been months now so i don't think i will fill you in on every little detail but i will give you a quick run down on stuff. it's been around half a year, we didn't spend christmas together, or valentines day but he did make up for it by making the cutest meal with little presents for me, must have been maybe 3 months ago now? we went on holiday with my fam in easter which was so nice and in general although sometimes we are a bit shaking i feel very very lucky. the bad bit is that in a few months he goes to uni and although we've kinda talked about it i still don't really know what's going to happen with all of that but i tend not to think about it too much.
annnnnywwwaaaay
here is how everything is going to go down from now on, basically as its been a long time i thought i wouldnt bore you with catching up with everything so im going to start blogging now and every so often you might get a nugget from the past if it's relevant/i have nothing to post so i just gush...
also what is below is something i wrote in january but for some reason i didn't post, no idea why.
well haii guys! how's it going?
sorry i haven't posted for awhile i've been megaaa busy but also i've had lovely embarrassing moments i thought i'd share with the likes of you.
basically, i've been keeping a low profile because graham, saw my blog a couple of weeks ago. i know. it was slightly mortifying but i got through it but actually hopefully it has helped the whole relationship thingamabob has he's now seen how my terrible brain works. ANYWAY, LETS NOT DWELL!
basically, im here to keep going with the story of how we got together slash i need to rant and moan about my life. SO WHERE TO START.
mine and graham's first date.
okay, so we arranged the sunday date on the saturday, and that was good because it means i had less time to stress over it.
so i took this date as casual, wore some casual clothes, casually got ready, EVERYTHING IS CASUAL OK?!?! (did i mention that even with the limited time i can still worry?) mumma drives me to town, feeling absolutely fine which i takes as a good sign, then walking up to the cinema i get a phone call from graham asking where i am.
from this point i'd actually been feeling pretty good about this whole thing, but this phone call changed everything. i mean it was MEGA AWKS. and so it sent my crazy crazy brain into over drive and went as follows:
"OH MEEEH GEEE WHY WAS THAT SO AWKWARD? IS THE WHOLE DATE GOING TO BE THAT AWKWARD?! SHOULD I JUST TURN AROUND AND GO HOME?!"
but i settled it. i swallowed. i shut up and i kept walking.
BE A NORMAL PERSON.
so i meet with him and i literally jump into my defensive mode and talk, and talk and talk, i know i've said in the past i dont believe in awkward situations but at the same time, i know they exist and i REALLY didnt want it to happen, not today.
so we approach neutral ground, talking about the party on friday, filling each other in on bits we vaguely remembered, the aftermath etc etc and it seemed to be going well! this is good!
now, i know you guys are ACHING to know what lovely, romantic film we'd chosen to see, and so, i think i'll tell you!
we went to see TinTin.
yes that's right. Tin Tin.
but actually it was a laugh, at one point he did the move and i had another one of those moments were i could have clapped it was so smooth. basically, graham is very tall, and i am very short, meaning when arms are resting on the same armrest there is alot more arm on his department, proper lank is my graham. i remember thinking i really really wanted something to happen so i thought fuck it and just show him you're interested, so i go to hold his hand... BUT NO I ENCOUNTER THE LANK AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. so as im groping in the dark for his hand like some sort of blind person with a hand fetish my little finger brushes against his hand, SUCCESS. and here comes the move, he lent across to me to talk, putting his hand on my leg in the process and as he leant back swept up my hand MY LORD IT WAS SKILLED.
so 'im happy.
he's happy.
it all looks good, at some point he properly puts his arm around me we have a little kiss at the end of the film and it's all so nice.
BUT THEN IT GETS BETTER.
this was all in december QUITE AWHILE AGO NOW, and as we walked out of the cinema with his arm around me the christmas fayre is still on and it's got all the pretty lights and it's heart meltingly lovely.
happy happy happy.
BE A NORMAL PERSON.
so i meet with him and i literally jump into my defensive mode and talk, and talk and talk, i know i've said in the past i dont believe in awkward situations but at the same time, i know they exist and i REALLY didnt want it to happen, not today.
so we approach neutral ground, talking about the party on friday, filling each other in on bits we vaguely remembered, the aftermath etc etc and it seemed to be going well! this is good!
now, i know you guys are ACHING to know what lovely, romantic film we'd chosen to see, and so, i think i'll tell you!
we went to see TinTin.
yes that's right. Tin Tin.
but actually it was a laugh, at one point he did the move and i had another one of those moments were i could have clapped it was so smooth. basically, graham is very tall, and i am very short, meaning when arms are resting on the same armrest there is alot more arm on his department, proper lank is my graham. i remember thinking i really really wanted something to happen so i thought fuck it and just show him you're interested, so i go to hold his hand... BUT NO I ENCOUNTER THE LANK AND HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. so as im groping in the dark for his hand like some sort of blind person with a hand fetish my little finger brushes against his hand, SUCCESS. and here comes the move, he lent across to me to talk, putting his hand on my leg in the process and as he leant back swept up my hand MY LORD IT WAS SKILLED.
so 'im happy.
he's happy.
it all looks good, at some point he properly puts his arm around me we have a little kiss at the end of the film and it's all so nice.
BUT THEN IT GETS BETTER.
this was all in december QUITE AWHILE AGO NOW, and as we walked out of the cinema with his arm around me the christmas fayre is still on and it's got all the pretty lights and it's heart meltingly lovely.
happy happy happy.
so there you go, the last bit of backstory and the rest you will just have to wait with baited breath to find out what's occurring! it's all very exciting.
obvious sarcasm there.
tragic.
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