As you can see from the title of this post I am expertly avoiding revision like every other student in the country but i've come here to moan.
the thing is i feel like this blog isnt completely private anymore, especially when it comes the bad points of my love life, i mean now that graham knows about this blog and although he promised he wouldn't read it again i still can't get rid of that pain in the arse feeling that me ranting my feelings when he pisses me off would be a good idea. same with what friends say about my love life, i do want to explain stuff on here but i'm not allowed to as it would probably be seen as bitching and i definitely don't need ANYMORE stress in my life...
but fuck it.
from now on i'm just going to say whatever i damn well please, FIGHT DA POWER!
anyone who reads this please don't be offended i suppose i'm just splurging...
anyway what i think i want to speak about today is jealousy, it's terrible but i've been seeing that awful green eyed monster or goblin or pixie or whatever the hell it is and many of you out there will know that once you feel jealous it is VERY HARD to stop being jealous.
and this puts my love life into question... note here that i know i'm just being INCREDIBLY NEEDY and ridiculous....
okay, me and graham have never been very 'pda' and i suppose that's never been a problem as when we're alone in public (just realised that doesn't make ANY sense but i mean without friends of whatevz) we can be hand holdy, peck every so often and that is A OKAY in my opinion, you know i'm down with that.
but the problem started to arise once i realised why i no longer enjoy going for a night out with friends and graham....
it's because i can compare
never compare
just dont
now in our extended friendship groups there are many couples and these couples i feel have just the right amount of pda, it's the same amount me and graham have when we go out together alone.
the thing is... when we go out with friends i get nothing. zilch. nada. nout.
and i thought i could deal with it
but i cant
im too paranoid
it's awful
the thing is from my experience of guys i have become incredibly cautious of backing off when i think a guy is turning off me, and even though i've been in a relationship for around half a year now i STILL feel like this... i think i'm definitely broken
THIS ISNT NORMAL
BUT IT HAPPENS.
therefore as horribly clingy as this sounds i need little reminders every so often that he isn't going to just turn around and dump me and at these parties do the exact opposite. so all the couple friends are all loved up and i just look at them and think
I WANT THAT!
i mean there are some limpet couples who never detach from each other and i'm not saying i want that, i definitely don't want that, i just want a comfortable middle in which when we going out hang out go off with other friends then meet up again or whatever just i don't feel so incredibly single!
the thing is you're probably sitting there thinking 'oh no you're over exaggerating' no no, one time we went to a party and the first kiss i got was when i was LEAVING. WE'D BEEN THERE FOR 5 HOURS. and another time we went out for a group meal and some couples were there so i had to watch them all together, and i sat there, feeling single. again, no kiss. and there isn't really a problem because everything else is so good but this one little thing would make things PERFECT plz
also the other thing that bugs me is that he can be so rude without meaning to be, and because he doesnt mean to be he doesn't realise, so nothing changes! and i think it's just me being touchy but it really worries me, because sometimes it gets to the point where i'm thinking 'well do i want this anymore? am i actually happy?' then i realise this is me doing the whole distancing thing again because somewhere in my brain i'm telling myself he doesn't like me anymore AND THE WHOLE RIDICULOUS CYCLE STARTS AGAIN were i feel shit, over analyse, and then feel shit again.
i think another thing that is making this worse is the whole uni thing, although at the moment he thought about it and decided he wanted to stay with me when he left but there's this teeny tiny little feeling that i don't believe him and me thinking its not going to work (which is stupid because we haven't got there/given it a go, we will just both have to make more effort which is think leads to my worry) which leads the the over analysing, which leads to the jealousy, which then leads to the worry, which then leads to everything else etc etc...
i think i just need a cuddle.
or a slap.
and i can't really speak to my friends about this because i moan too much about this all and they all already have questionable opinions on graham, so looks like i'm going to have to deal with this myself.
there isn't really anything to deal with really...
apart from gatsby.
i need to deal with him now.
i hate revision...
tragic.
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