Changing, Ranting and Moving On

Well hello there people of the Internet how are you doing this evening?
Me? Well I'm pretty shitty but its getting better. I don't want to dwell too long as I've got stuff to talk about with ya'll but last week Graham dumped me, yes I know how could anyone want to split up with anyone as amazing as me.
But I digress...
Anyway it got me thinking about what I really want out of a relationship, I mean I'm still firmly in the feel rubbish about myself stage (and as much as people hate to admit it just coming out of the PLEASE COME BACK TO ME stage, hey don't deny it we're all friends here) but I've slowly come to realise that actually our relationship wasn't as perfect as I thought it was I'm just one of those people who are incredibly optimistic when it comes human relations, I always assume there will be the end to the bad times, or the awkward times, or whatever.
Clearly graham never thought this and I will be posting two things to you today readers, one being my lovely ranty message I sent to my friends after the incident occurred, the other beings my list on why i am better off without him, oh you're in for a TREAT!
I will start off by telling you how and why we broke up, so I'd been feeling pretty bad over the week he'd been at Uni thinking it was just me missing him and thinking he felt the same BUT OH NO. NO NO NO READER I WAS SADLY MISTAKE. LIKE A CHILD STARING AT AN ANT THINKING IF THEY STARED AT IT LONG ENOUGH IT MAY OR MAY NOT EXPLODE. Odd analogy I realise but hey we'll roll with it and hopefully you'll get the gist anyway the message:
i've broken up with graham (obviously in the post I used his real name, I'm not inept) today because he was coming home tomorrow and 'needed to speak to me face to face, sorry' which obviously told me what was going to happen. he was like 'im tearing up just thinking about it im so sorry, ive got to go now' then buggered off after putting xox which fucked me off some extent!
so i sent him a text asking if he was breaking it off and he said yes. so then i though fuck this im not waiting 24 hours and a bus ride just to be dumped thats not happening. so i phoned him up saying that and we talked for a bit, he cried. i didnt. which actually i found surprising.
he was like ive just got here and ive been miserable and i cant do this yada yada yada
and i was like well we said we'd see how it went and when one of us didnt want to do it anymore we'd stop its fine etc etc
then he got annoyed that i was so cool about all of this, i was actually being a bit mean, i basically said i didnt want him to come down because it was going to make me feel better either way and tbh you're only coming down to make yourself feel better and feel less of a dick. i told him several times that for some reason i wasnt upset which also annoyed him.
i said i didnt regret it and he said he didnt either, but at least he had time to realise he didnt love me as much whereas i still love/d himBasically I was like I thought it wasn't going that bad and he was like ice felt like its been bad for awhile and I said I thought my birthday weekend went well but he didn't agree. He said there were things about me which were starting to pissing him off then I was like WOAH THERE I don't want to know what they are and stop before you offend me and I get angry. It makes me laigh because when he said I pissed him off he was all grizzly and crying. Then he was like do you want to be friends. And I though about it for awhile and said yes but I need some time and I'm not going to be the one that starts the conversation again, you can text me message me whatever. I said this because I don't want the responsibility. Then he was like okay so I might contact you in a couple of days weeks or something and I was just like yeah bye. Basically I think he dumped me because he's having a shit time at freshers and thought without missing me he'd have a better time

Is what I thought, though I've come to the conclusion that actually he just wasn't that into me and used me for the last week before he went away as emotional support before he buggered off in the full knowledge he wasn't going to try to make it last.

WELL I SAY FUCK HIM.

Yes I do want to be friend because we have so many memories together however he hasn't contacted me so I don't really know if that will happen at all, knowing him probably not.
Also I've realise I'm sick of people giving him the good guy treatment when actually he is a bit of a nob. I deserve better and you know what! I am a STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO IS GOING TO FIND BETTER
QUE LIST OF REASONS ABOUT WHY IM BETTER OFF
(I'd like to add in as a bit of side fun that I did not write all of this reasons, some are petty, and some are rude but come on I'm a recently dumped single girl of course I'm going to get bitchy.)

I HAVE CHANGED MY MIND TO AVOID AGRO I'VE CUT THE LIST TO THE ACCEPTABLE THINGS!

1) he never made any effort after awhile
2) never texted or really joked in texts
3) bit awkward
4) not affectionate around others!!!!
And not even others sometimes just us two
5) grumpy at reading
8) lived ages away
11) weird about being a couple
London trip
Tenting at reading
14) romantic once
16) bottled emotions
20) always compared himself to that bloke
21)put me down A LOT
22) stupid snap back
24) need to focus on my work
25) he's now at Uni
26) took him forever to make a move
27) never seemed interested in my life and my goals
30) when I was ill making me sleep in the other room
32) BIRTHDAY PRESENT
33) didn't like drinking
34) didn't even try about Uni
35) fvnbjrnbjribjrbenclseksjewbvurleiwoqheb
39) not as sociable as me
40) feel like he blamed me for everything
41) negative and sometimes self pitying
44) B is prettier get on him ;)

And there you have it my list, make of it what you will, you all know you've made this list at least mentally at least once in your life so don't lie!
There were more things that come and go in my head but hey I think the list is pretty extensive as it is!

I mean this might seem like I hate him which I don't, I mean I really don't I'd love to stay friends with him as we do get along really well and I mean I've had very strong resolve not to phone him up crying begging for him to take me back, but I made the list to reassure myself in my down days (in which i have had numerous) that if he thought he was Mr Bloody Perfect he was very much mistaken.
There might have been things annoying him about me but ITS A TWO WAY STREET BITCHES.

So now I am resolved to be happy and single and ENJOY MYSELF AND FIND SOMEONE WHO TREATS ME LIKE HE ACTUALLY WANTS TO BE WITH ME!
How?
Well I find bettering yourself a good first step
You may recall last break up I learnt the ukulele
Well this time I decided to make a statement and got more ear piercings something I know he would have disliked when we were going out.
And I tell you what, it's a little bit liberating! It means when I inevitably see him at Christmas at least one thing about me would have moved on (in hoping more than that by then though!) but for now im contented with my piercings and a start of a new... Something though I haven't quite worked out what that will be, though it now gives me the chance to GET ON DA PROWL AGAIN its also a chance for alot more blog posts!

Basically I've now set this up as a bit of a business so all my posts will be more regular and hopefully I'll be trying to attract more of a crowd, if it doesn't work oh well, this blog is therapeutic for me and if it makes a few people chuckle where's the harm in that?

I'm sorry that this post was rant filled and not particularly funny (I promise the next ones will be :) ), and it's probably riddled with mistakes but in tired and I want to sleep, at least my bed still loves me.
I don't regret what I had with him, yes I kinda wish I still had what we had, I have some amazing memories with him but slowly I'm coming to the conclusion that I need someone who makes me happy all of the time :)

in the words of Bridget Jones: I have two choices: to give up and accept permanent state of spinsterhood and eventual eating by alsatians, or not. And this time I choose not.... Instead, I choose vodka.





Tragic.